


A little desire (And I'm falling deeply for you)

by Changkibebe, Moonlight2211



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Paint, Cameo!BTS, Cameo!MonstaX, Changki-Centered, College AU, Complete, Double Major!Kihyun, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hyunghyuk (Mentioned), Kihyun POV, M/M, Neighbors, Science student!Changkyun, Slow Burn, photographer!Kihyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24133165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Changkibebe/pseuds/Changkibebe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlight2211/pseuds/Moonlight2211
Summary: “... So basically you’re asking me to undress in front of you, so you can paint above me something you love, and then take a photo of your drawing in my bare skin… wow Hyung, you surprised me, that’s thefanciestway someone has asked me for nudes.”“I’m not—I didn’t—That’s not---”“Then later, because I know I’m going to be irresistibly beautiful, can we have sex with your fancy paint all over me?”"Changkyunplease."What the hell did Kihyun manage to get into??
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 21
Kudos: 124





	A little desire (And I'm falling deeply for you)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for coming here! 
> 
> Kudos and comments are very welcome <3 plz let me know what do you think ~
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

There’s something so delightful about fucking and be fucked by Im Changkyun. Kihyun really doesn’t know what it is, but every time they share a moment of intimacy together he finds himself in a spell where the only thing in his head is Changkyun and only Changkyun, the way the younger man leans above his body, caging him and pressing him against the mattress, enough to feel the weight of his body without suffocate him; the way his lips trails above every surface of his skin, leaving a trace of love marks behind he could appreciate the next day, the way the younger’s eyes focus solely on Kihyun the whole time, on his eyes, his lips, every hardened breath the elder has, every keen, every whimper Kihyun ever let go, every weakness he found in his body Changkyun wrapped them all in his mind and uses it every time they fool around. Hypocrite

Only staring at him makes Kihyun feel _something,_ he just doesn’t know what it is or dare himself to admit it out loud. The younger man is beautiful, stunning, shiny, both outside and inside. Changkyun’s also an attentive lover, he kisses away all the insecurities Kihyun ever had, every fear he could’ve felt he wipes them away, he makes him _forget_ the world around him at least for a couple of hours, even forget about himself and all Kihyun can think it’s the way their bodies seem to be made for each other, how they mold perfectly for the other, how perfect they engage together as two pieces of puzzle.

Changkyun’s a perfectionist, he’s meticulous with everything he does, and has a lot more experience than Kihyun notwithstanding of the three years of difference between them and regarding to what he said the second time they had sex, Kihyun’s body is something he wants to _do_ so well. Changkyun does things to his body that no one ever did to him, molding Kihyun as he pleases and degrading him to a total mess of moans and pleas.

Changkyun dispreads something Kihyun has been lacking in life. Something Kihyun has been desperately looking around but simply he can’t find it anywhere, only in Changkyun’s body, and that is _Passion_.

Without intending to, his mind drifts away of this moment and flies to the classroom earlier that day, empty as the rest of his classmates were already dismissed, except for him and his professor. All the scenarios he has photographed that year, every object, every person, are printed and spread around the teacher’s desk while the man was staring at him with sympathy, but at the same time he can’t hide disappoint in his eyes, even if he tried. 

_“You’re an excellent photographer Kihyun, but this year is like if you don’t want to do this. The lightning and the angle are good, I’ll give you that, but I don’t know what you want to express. Remember the best photos are the ones that show us a part of the artist, a feeling he or she wants to illustrate to the public, but…” a_ nd the professor continued explaining every detail of Kihyun’s deficiency and all of them can be summarized in three little words: _Lack of passion._

He was very aware of this but that other person acknowledged it as well scared him a big lot, maybe because that makes it feel more real. Photography, more than a simple hobbie as many people around him may think, it’s _his passion_ , what Kihyun loves the most, where he can express who he really is and what he really loves.

But he can’t deny those past months he’s just _dull_ , _lacking,_ Photographing random stuff because he _has to_ , not because he _wants_ to, for the sole reason he has a deadline around the corner and he needs to do something or fail the course…

_“Hyung, focus on me.”_

Kihyun can’t see how Changkyun moves again above him for the position he is right now, on his knees and elbows with his face pressed against the pillow swallowing every moan the elder lets go, but he can feel the warmth of his body pressed against his back, kissing his way up from his back until his shoulder where Changkyun bites hard, sucking his neck as if he’s trying to mark Kihyun as _his_ and only _his_ , and when he’s satisfied with his work of art, he whispers against his ear “Whatever it is Hyung, _let it go_.”

A loud moan breaks into the room when Changkyun pushes his length into him in an effortless move, bottoming up in a single thrust. The younger man whimpers once he’s inside of Kihyun, muttering a _‘You feel so good’_ in that deep, sexy voice Kihyun’s enamored with, the one that makes chills run all over his spine.

A hand is in his hips, drawing small circles while his mouth is once again spreading loving kisses around Kihyun’s already marked skin, trying to dissipate any discomfort Kihyun may have. It’s really sweet of him, really. Changkyun’s not a pushy lover, he doesn’t demand something from the elder, always pushing his comfort and pleasure above his own, he treats Kihyun as if he’s precious and important and he would do anything to make him happy, and that warms Kihyun’s heart. Even if it’s a lie. 

“Are you okay Hyung?”

Kihyun nods, breathy moans resounding in the room when Changkyun’s experienced lips positions in that weak spot right bellow his ear “Kyunnie, _please_ move.”

Changkyun finally pulls his length out bit by bit, before shoving it inside him again. After so long together, Kihyun already knows his lover so well, he starts easy, unhurried, giving his body time to adjust and opening him up greatly with every thrust, Kihyun praises his patience and his technique because it’s thanks to them that Changkyun can have him begging for more in almost record time. His moves are erratic though very precise, fast but coordinated, holding Kihyun’s hips in place with his hands and straightening his back so he’s not leaning above Kihyun anymore, and without further delay, Changkyun adjusts his hips in the perfect angle so every thrust is hitting the perfect spot inside him.

Doesn’t take a lot of time before Kihyun moaning shamelessly against the pillow, feeling his orgasm building faster each passing second and it’s obvious Changkyun’s also close for the way his breath is hardening, his thrusts are faster, harder, and probably his asscheeks are already red for the harsh slap of Changkyun’s hips.

“I-I’m close.”

“Don’t hold it back Hyung. Let it go.” 

He grabs Kihyun by his neck, forcing him upwards so the elder’s back is pressed against his chest again and turns his head to kiss him in the lips hard, savoring every corner of the hot carven, swallowing every moan in each other’s mouth. Kihyun’s chubby fingers interlocked in his black strands of hair, pushing his head closer, demanding a deeper kiss, and that’s all Kihyun needs to let the pleasure wash over him.

He’s feeling numb with it and while white strands of semen paint his abdomen, Changkyun is pressing lazy kisses on his shoulder, whispering what a ‘good boy’ Kihyun is. Changkyun moves a little bit more, this time slower so he won’t hurt Kihyun, and merely few thrusts later he’s coming too.

Their labored breaths mix together now in the silent room but any of them makes a movement to push the other away, enjoying the other warmth and the comfort their bodies give to each other.

Changkyun’s the first one to move after few minutes, pulling his dick out of Kihyun and throwing his body to the bed once the exhaustion finally hits him. Kihyun chuckles at the boy making himself comfortable in the bed, seeing him rolling lazily around the bed to grab the wet tissues they keep in the bedside table to clean himself and giving Kihyun a pair to clean the cum in his belly and the one leaking from his hole.

“What a mess Ki.”

“Yeah, oh but who didn’t want to wear a condom? Yes you.” Unlike the sensual beast he had behind him some minutes ago, the boy in front of him complains childishly, pouting as the petulant kid he actually is, but Kihyun’s already used to this behavior, and instead of rolling his eyes as he used to do before, he actually laughs, the fondness he feels for this boy escaping through a couple of giggles without his consent.

Noticing at the end that Kihyun definitively would need a shower to clean himself properly, he gets up of the bed despite the whines coming from the lump lying in his bed, begging him for a good round of cuddles and lazy kisses, _which_ Kihyun also wants, but ignoring the younger, he goes to his closet to pick an old oversize sweater and a pair of boxes.

“Hyyyung shower tomorrow, come cuddle with me.”

“Ugh no, and clean the dry cum inside my ass in the morning? Nope.” Seeing the boy staring at him as a kicked puppy, Kihyun moves back to the bed to comb Changkyun’s messy hair and plant a sweet peck in his lips which Changkyun happily receives, and moves away before the younger could wrap his arms around his neck and convince him of not taking the needed shower and cuddle him… or a second round if they get in the mood again “Gonna be fast, if you want go to sleep.”

Changkyun assures him he’ll wait up for Kihyun but considering how sleepy the boy looks and the long hours Kihyun knows he spent in his last project, he knows, even if Changkyun wants to, he won’t be awake when Kihyun returns to the bedroom.

He’s actually kinda tired too, and sore despite of the gentleness Changkyun showed in their recent sinful acts, so he enters in the shower, baths as fast as he can and dresses in almost record time.

The elder snoops around the apartment to grab a glass of water for him and another one for Changkyun if he’s still awake and wants one, taking the time of picking up the clothes they forgot around the apartment while doing so. It’s late, Kihyun notices, already past midnight and he sighs as his mood turns sour remembering he has an early class later and he doesn’t want to go. He goes back to the room resigned, annoyed? He doesn’t know, but the view that receives him congeals him in the middle to stare dumbly at the admittedly beautiful boy sleeping in his bed.

It’s not the first time he’s seeing Changkyun sleeping on his bed, far from it in fact, but before he didn’t stop to properly _see_ him. Changkyun has such beautiful features, with chubby reddened cheeks and a pair of thin swallowed lips, an elegant nose Kihyun always makes fun of but he’s deeply in love with, and those deep brown eyes, that right now are closed but Kihyun knows the malice they hold. And he looks so sensual with the hickeys Kihyun also left in his shoulder and neck in contracts with his lightly tanned skin, still peeking through the white sheets.

It’s not only his normal handsomeness what makes him stop in the middle of the room as the biggest fool. No. He never noticed it before but Changkyun has the loveliest, most attractive post sex glow, and in his eyes it’s like if right now Changkyun’s shining. And Kihyun _wants_ it. He doesn’t really know what, but he just _wants_.

Kihyun feels what he hasn’t feel in months, he feels _inspired_.

Trying to make the least sound as possible Kihyun goes to his desk, rummaging through his stuff to retrieve his professional camera. Kihyun doesn’t notice Changkyun opening his eyes when he perceives someone in the room with him, following his every move with curious eyes, the elder’s too concentrated on setting the camera to be aware of it.

“Are you planning shoot me for a playboy magazine or something?” Kihyun yelps surprised, turning around to look at the younger man as if he has been caught doing something wrong, but as Changkyun stares at him with a little smile, relaxes the startled brown haired man.

“Can I?”

“Are you really?!”

“No, you big idiot, can I take a photo of you?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes but walks through the room to stand right next to Changkyun. The lights are off but thankfully his sex lamp, as Changkyun insists on calling it, and the moonlight breaking through the window provided him with enough light for the improvised photo. Changkyun doesn’t ask any other question, doesn’t indulge in Kihyun’s sudden desire of photographing him, he’s only lying in his bed, staring at Kihyun through the lens of his camera with a slight smug smile. His head is lightly tilted to his side, an arm resting against the pillow ‘sensually’ while the other is laying lazily atop of his uncovered chest. His hair is a beautiful mess of black strands pointing everywhere, and the red lips and hickeys are still visible despite of the lack of lightning.

Kihyun clicks once and his heart races when the he sees in the screen the photo he just took. Changkyun’s looks stunning like this, so he clicked again, getting closer, farter, changing his angles, until Changkyun got bored and lifts his hand to his direction as if he’s asking Kihyun to go there with him, beautiful, inviting, and definitively impossible to ignore to.

The elder climbs onto the bed again, straddling Changkyun’s hips as he’s already used to and intertwines his fingers with Changkyun’s pushing their hands to lay in the pillows and clicks. This time it’s not only Changkyun’s glow what he catches in his camera, but also the lust, the desire and something similar to fondness; and he can’t help but wonder if it’s only Changkyun’s desire what he placed in his photo, or maybe it’s Kihyun’s too.

“Kiss me?”

Those two words from the younger man are all Kihyun requires to joins their mouths, lips soft and pliant, welcoming, demanding of attention, coaxing Kihyun into the kiss. He tastes sweet, unique, and Kihyun breathes deeply as his eyes flutter close.

For the first time that night, Kihyun takes the lead, sucking on his bottom lip slowly, as one of Changkyun’s hands moves to tangle in his hair. He gasps for air against the younger’s mouth before diving back in and forcing Changkyun’s mouth open, intertwining their tongues once the access was given, tasting each other deeply and Kihyun feels like he is drowning in this moment.

As if he said, something about Changkyun makes the whole experience feel magical.

Forcing a little space between their mouths, Kihyun breathes deeply trying to control his impulses, but the hand in his hair is pushing him down, trying to connect their lips again, and Kihyun chuckles because despite of already having sex that night, Changkyun seems to be a little bit needy “C’mon Kyun, if we don’t stop now, we’re going to round two…”

“Doesn’t sound like a problem to me.”

“… And _we_ have early classes tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, Changkyun lets the older go, so Kihyun takes the chance to set the camera in the bedside table and climbs in the bed next to the black haired boy. Changkyun rolls to his side and wraps his arms around his waist, hiding his head in the shorter man’s chest. They lay like that for a few seconds, letting their heartbeats and breaths lull them to sleep.

They both know something is bothering Kihyun but Changkyun doesn’t ask questions, he never does anyway, he just tries his best to provide Kihyun of the best orgasms in his life, comfort, company and then go, but that’s what the whole ‘Fuckbuddy’ agreement is anyway.

**~*~**

If he’s totally honest with himself and everyone else that asked in the past, Kihyun isn’t really sure how they became ‘Friends’ or when or why he gave Im Changkyun the spare key of his apartment, although considering the huge amount of time the younger man has spent in his dormitory, Changkyun feels more like his roommate than his neighbor by now.

But he doesn’t complain really. At first maybe he complained a bit but as the days passed Kihyun learnt to appreciate the younger’s company. Changkyun’s a lovable person, a little bit shy at first but easy going when he gets to know better the people around him. He’s really smart, he’s a science major student after all, very mature most times, but fun to be with. Changkyun’s cute in daily basics though he doesn’t like to be called that way or people coddling him, and that’s okay, Kihyun doesn’t like annoying clingy shits anyway.

Maybe it’s because he’s gotten used to Changkyun’s presence that his absence can’t be overlooked. Kihyun’s not lonely per se, even if he has _one_ friend called Min Yoongi who was his roommate before he abandoned him when he got a boyfriend, plus a bunch of crazy people that came in the same package than him. But it’s okay because Kihyun likes to be alone and enjoy his free time in solitude, though sometimes it was tough arrive to an empty apartment, especially after a shitty day and have no one to talk to, so Changkyun was a good addition to his life.

But their friendship revolved only to sexual intercourses and the conversations they had before and after sex, nothing too private because that was the rule, _‘No strings attached, I’m attracted to you and you’re attracted to me, so we fuck and no complications’_ So no asking about the other’s life was like an unspoken agreement _._ Outside the apartment they act as if they barely know each other. When they meet casually in the hallways or their frequent café, they only share awkward greetings and go without spare an eye at the other.

Kihyun really doesn’t know how the whole ‘Friends with benefits’ agreement started either but he remembers bits here and there of the day when they fucked for the first time.

It was a month after Changkyun moved to the apartment next door and they were watching a rom-com Changkyun’s best friend recommended, they were drinking and laughing at how cliché the whole movie was, and the elder was having a good time, until Kihyun noticed Changkyun was staring at him instead of the movie. Kihyun paused the movie and placed the laptop in the coffee table, silently asking him what the hell was wrong, and when Changkyun’s head approached him slowly until their lips were almost touching, Kihyun didn’t pull away.

Changkyun was so irresistible, with a white long-sleeve shirt and skinny ripped light blue-jeans, his hair was blonde back then, perfectly styled parted at one side, every earlobe has two piercings and the sexy piercing in his eyebrow was irresistible, plus he was using a little bit of makeup, which if he’s asked, Changkyun didn’t need. It was obvious he was overdressed for the occasion but Kihyun didn’t ask –-- he didn’t have the necessity of ask actually, because it was obvious since he heard the knocks at his door and being received for Changkyun with a defeated face, that the younger was stood up one more time that week.

The elder didn’t stop him when Changkyun undressed himself, he didn’t stop him when he went to his knees and gave him the best blowjob of his life and he didn’t stop him when he climbed back to his lap and rode his dick until both of them came, Kihyun saying his name between moans, meanwhile Changkyun had his eyes closed, imagining Kihyun was someone else.

 _‘Why’_ he asked at the end ‘ _Because you are exactly the opposite of him’_ Changkyun replied with a small voice.

And that was okay, because Kihyun doesn’t love him and the pain of his heart was because he related to Changkyun’s pain and he hated seeing him like this, nothing else.

And maybe if he repeated the same thing over and over again, he would convince himself.

**~*~**

Kihyun really really really hates Mondays, but let’s be honest, _everyone_ at least once in their life had hated Mondays, though Kihyun does it for a total different reason. No, it has nothing to do with waking up early or going to classes still half asleep, hungry because he’s a broke college student and his last bit of that month loan he had he spent it in lube - you know, _priorities_ -, instead it’s because of the first class he has that day. As he walks into his photography class, Kihyun can already see the devilish grin in the professor’s face when for a second their eyes meet across the classroom.

Today it’s the day when their professor will assign them the topic of their midyear project.

And Kihyun wants to fucking die.

“C’mon Ki, it’s not _that_ bad.” Yoongi, his ex-roommate and sadly best friend, walks next to him to his next class, trying to calm a bit the corpse of nervousness his friend has become. Kihyun looks at him incredulously trying to say with his eyes how _bad_ this actually is and that Yoongi has no idea what he is talking about.

“My teacher hates me, I hate me, _everyone_ hates me and now I’m gonna fail the only course I care about and my parents will hate me _and_ kill me!”

“I don’t hate you, Kihyunnie Hyung.” Hoseok, Yoongi’s boyfriend, joined them at some point of their conversation, but being totally honest here, Kihyun was so busy panicking to notice the presence of the younger man. He smiles at the little ray of sunshine though and at his reassuring words, but really, Hoseok doesn’t have enough time knowing him to assume something like that “And I like your pictures Hyung, though I understand what Professor Kim means.”

“ _What_?”

The younger boy hides behind his boyfriend when Kihyun turns around to send him one of his most frightening glares. Yoongi rolls his eyes, pushing Hoseok by his other side, far away of the brown haired’s wrath.

“Don’t toss your anger at the poor guy Ki. You know he and Mr. Kim are right.”

“I know, but doesn’t make it less unfair Yoongi. You got Childhood, Taehyung got love, Jungkook got friendship, why I got _passion_ when it’s obvious that’s something I don’t have? And anyway, what does he mean with _passion_? Like I should shoot a porn?”

And Kihyun complains all the way down, exiting the art building and going to his next architecture class. Yoongi doesn’t interrupt him and let him say whatever he wants to say, he is, after all, used to Kihyun’s moods after knowing him at least a third quarter of their life. 

But really, why Mr. Kim chose for his project the exact same thing he was scolding Kihyun less than a month ago? There’s only an answer, the man is a sadist, he wants to make his students suffer until they cry and drop the course, and laugh behind their backs when he’ll see them moping around the hallways, yes, that’s definitively what that old man wants really.

“If you ask my opinion… which I know you won’t do but I’ll still give to you, I think you’re panicking over nothing.” The mint haired man says after probably 10 minutes straight of Kihyun’s rambling, totally unbothered by the glare his best friend sends him “Mr. Kim said it himself, look for something you really love and take _one_ photo of it, that’s all. There’s nothing complicated in it.”

“ _That’s_ exactly the problem Yoongi.” Kihyun exclaims obviously overreacting, wiping a fake tear from his eyes and Yoongi is tempted to laugh, not only because of his dumb act but also because Kihyun’s being a little overdramatic here “I don’t have something _‘I love’_. I like flowers because my mom is a florist but I’ve already taken photos of them and Mr. Kim is sick of the same thing. I like cleaning though, should I photograph cleaning supplies?”

At this Yoongi actually giggles, hitting the back of his head because now Kihyun’s being overdramatic and ridiculous, and he’s too tired for this shit “Really Ki, you’re an artist, one of the best in this generation. You just need to find that _thing_ that makes your heart jump a little bit, something that makes you feel inspired, something that makes your mind scream _‘I have to set it in a photo’_ or something like that… don’t you like paint?”

“Yeah but I can’ paint something and take a photo of it, believe me, I asked.”

Kihyun doesn’t notice when they arrived to the classroom, or when Hoseok left, but Yoongi does and while they don’t share the same class right now, he accompanies Kihyun until he’s in his seat and leaves with a last statement and a pat in the shoulder “Well, figure it out, you have a week, and remember it’s not about the object, it’s about the feeling.”

“Seems I fucking don’t have feelings.”

“Oh, you do Ki, you do. Just… Figure it out, I guess.”

And Kihyun tries, he really tries to figure something out the whole day and the next one and the one after that, but nothing comes into his mind, and as the hours passed and the days came and went, Kihyun finds himself at the edge of a panic attack. He _needs_ to pass this project.

 _‘Find something your mind screams ‘I want to set it in a photo’’_ Kihyun doesn’t have _that_. Like yes, sometimes he wants to take a photo of some cute animals he found in the park, or of the kids playing carefree around or a cute scene in front of his eyes, because in his eyes those things are beautiful, but sadly any of it fix the whole ‘passion’ concept.

Ugh he hates Mr. Kim so much right now.

Desperately, Kihyun asked for advice to his professor, but the man laughed (That little piece of shit) and just said exactly the same thing Yoongi said but with more matures words _‘Just find something you love Mr. Yoo, or something that makes your heart flutters in excitement.’_ And when Kihyun suggested taking a photo of some amusement park’s attractions, Mr. Kim didn’t like the idea that much or that’s what the annoyed frown told to Kihyun.

So yeah, he’s right back to square one, with a camera around his neck, uninspired and a dumb concept he has no idea what to do with it.

 _‘Maybe I should just quit’_ Kihyun thinks walking through the crowded hallways defeated. He’s still on time of quitting though, maybe his family will scold him a little bit but at least he can conserve his other degree. But Yoo Kihyun is not the kind of man that gives up easily.

 _‘Something that makes your heart flutters in excitement.’_ After thinking over and over those words Kihyun considers he gets what Yoongi and Mr. Kim were talking about. Sadly for him, doesn’t exist a ‘ _Something’_ in this world that cause him that kind of effect… but there’s a ‘ _someone’_ and Kihyun feels as the biggest fool in the history because why haven’t considered that ‘ _someone’_ before? (Well, he actually has reasons).

A little boy. Someone who makes his heart jump in excitement every time Kihyun sees him; a boy that Kihyun’s mind has basically _screamed_ to take a photo of him that night in his apartment. A boy that makes Kihyun feel in a way that nothing and no one else has before. _Inspired_.

A boy that right now is in the same building, right in front of him, laughing with his friends totally oblivious of the epiphany Kihyun’s having for only looking at his face. A boy that is clinging to a man that is not him.

Kihyun feels like if he’s not in control of his body, one moment he’s trying to walk away of the scene with a heavy green feeling in his chest he’s opposed to call jealousy, and the next second he’s walking directly to Changkyun’s direction, making his way through the long waves of people in the college hallway and before he can stop himself, he’s reaching for Changkyun’s arm.

Changkyun looks flabbergasted at the shorter man now standing next to him and tugging him away of his friends, nervous because this is their first interaction in public, but other than the surprise of Kihyun’s harsh grip, Changkyun looks really worried for the weird face the elder is making. Desperation, that’s what Changkyun see.

“Kihyunnie Hyung?”

“I have a problem.” Kihyun says with a small nervous voice, but it’s loud enough for Changkyun and his group of friends to understand what he’s saying “Only you can help me Kyun.”

Changkyun now looks really worried at the elder man, turning around to shush his friends, signaling them to not interrupt their conversation for any unnecessary reason, so he can pay his total attention to the elder man properly. Kihyun doesn’t look the reaction of the others but he hears the gasps around him and Changkyun, when said man envelops the shorter man in a slight hug “Anything you need, Hyung.”

Between the younger’s arms, Kihyun finds difficult to pronounce a single word or remember why he’s here and why he needs Changkyun so much, but then he releases the grip around his hips and Kihyun’s finally capable to breathe again.

“So y-you know I’m a double major, a-and I have this huge photography project due to next week a-and my teacher has been telling me I’m lacking of passion so he asked me to photograph something I really love and I thought about you--”

“Aww Hyung, you love me?”

“--- So I wanted to ask you if you can be my living blank canvas?” If the confusion in the younger’s face says something then it’s equivalent at the embarrassment Kihyun’s feeling right now “I-I mean, I love painting but I can’t just draw something in a white canvas and take a photo of it, and believe me I considered it _a lot_ , s-so instead if you allow me to paint another thing I love in your skin and then take a photo of it, I think I can fulfill Mr. Kim assignment.”

His whole explanation sounds like bullshit but he hopes it makes sense enough to convince the younger man. Changkyun seems to be considering Kihyun’s offer, but he may as well be creating tension to torture the poor boy as the little shit he is, and when Changkyun smirks devilishly Kihyun knows he has made a huge mistake “So basically you’re asking me to take off my clothes in front of you, so you can paint above me something you love –according to your words, it’s not me-- and then take a photo of your drawing in my bare skin… wow Hyung, you surprise me, that’s the _fanciest_ way someone has asked me for nudes.”

“I’m not—I didn’t—That’s not---” Actually, thinking about it, Changkyun’s a little bit right “God if you phrase it _like that_.”

“Then later, because I know I’ll be irresistibly beautiful, can we have sex with your fancy paint all over me?”

Kihyun stares at the younger man, mouth gasping like a fish when he tries to deny the assumption but he’s incapable of. 

“Changkyun _please_.”

The little shit laughs shamelessly at Kihyun’s horrified face even clinging to one of his frozen friends while doing so to regain his balance. The elder really considers just kicking his ass and walking away, changing his phone and probably moving in with Yoongi so he won’t meet the little shit again.

“I can’t today, but maybe tomorrow?”

“Really?” Excitement runs through his veins and it’s just impossible hide the happiness in his face and that takes Changkyun aback at first, but only for a brief moment, surprise wiped away to be replaced by a sweet smile.

“Yeah, you’ll need your time to _do_ me--”

“Changkyun, _please_.”

“—So I’ll be there around 1pm?”

“Perfect, don’t be late please. Thank you Changkyunnie.” Kihyun turns around without any further delay and walks as fast as he can to the stairs and as far away as he can of Changkyun and his groups of friends, with the face as red as a tomato. 

~*~

Yoongi discovered their relationship after three months into this agreement and Kihyun wanted to _fucking die_ and find a hole to bury his body.

It’s not like Kihyun was _obligated_ to hide it from his friend, Changkyun never asked something like that from him, but he tried his best to do it, because there’s nothing worse for Kihyun than Yoongi’s disapproving eyes on him and be forced to answer questions he had been trying to avoid this whole time.

It was a normal day for him, or as normal as it can be, until Yoongi and Hoseok dragged his sorry ass to their favorite café after classes because they were exhausted of his hermit behavior those past few months, and Kihyun was too happy for the promise of free coffee and desert to actually protest. And even if he denied it, he also missed his best friend a little bit and Kihyun adored his boyfriend too, so being a third wheel didn’t bother him that much.

The good thing about Yoongi and Hoseok it’s that they never made Kihyun feel uncomfortable or left out, so instead of walking ahead and holding hands as other couples do, they preferred to walk one at each side of Kihyun, including him in their conversation, telling stories about his classmates, or stuff that happened while Kihyun was cooped up in his dorm, or the dancing class Hoseok signed up that week or the new song Yoongi was composing.

It was nice the walk there, Kihyun hadn’t laughed that loud for weeks and getting a bit of his best friend’s time felt like a miracle those days. Yoongi was a busy guy.

It’s when they made their way into their favorite Coffee shop that Kihyun stopped frozen in the spot. Of course of all the days Kihyun decided to visit the café after months, Changkyun had to choose exactly that day to go there and be all lovey-dovey with another man, that’s how unlucky Kihyun is.

Actually the black haired was with another four guys but Kihyun only noticed the man glued at Changkyun’s side. He was a beautiful petite boy, that’s what Kihyun noticed, a pretty face contorted with platinum hair and obvious blue contact lenses. It’s evident for the way the other man was clinging to Changkyun, smooching his check and laughing at Changkyun’s reddened face, they were _really_ close. And it was obvious for the way Changkyun’s eyes brightened when the man spoke, laughed louder than anyone else in the table and clung onto him every time he moved that Changkyun felt something special for him. But it wasn’t only that, when the rest of the group turned to the tall man talking now, Changkyun still couldn’t keep his gaze away from this man, and for Kihyun, it felt like a hard slap of reality in the face how obvious was the love Changkyun felt for this man.

“Oh, Hyungwonie, Wonho Hyung, Shownu Hyung!” Hoseok exclaimed next to him, waving excitedly at the two broaded guys and a tall skinny man sitting in Changkyun’s table. This, of course, attracted the attention of the whole group, who turned to Hoseok and waved him back. “They’re part of my dance team, gonna go greet them okay? Go order for me Yoongi Hyung.”

Yoongi nodded, grabbing Kihyun’s arm to pull him to sit in one of the unoccupied tables at the other side of the Café. The awkward interchange of glazes between his best friend and the small black haired guy sitting in the other table didn’t go unnoticed by the mint haired man.

“That’s our neighbor right? Changmin? Chanseok?” 

And that was when the questions started.

“Changkyun. _My_ neighbor, yeah. Remember you moved away with your gorgeous boyfriend and let me _alone_.”

“Can’t believe you’re still petty about it.” Yoongi replied, but there weren’t any spit in his words, and actually laughed at Kihyun’s fake jealousy “I can find you a new roommate if you want.”

“No, your friends are weird as fuck, Thank you very much but I’m absolutely fine alone.”

Yoongi laughed again, muttering a soft ‘Your lost’ before turning serious again and Kihyun gulped because every trace of playfulness left his best friend’s features “So spit it out, man.”

“Hmm? Don’t know what are you talking about?” Kihyun faked innocence, thanking to the god above when the waitress came to their table interrupting their previous conversation. Yoongi snorted at Kihyun’s relieved face and ordered for him and Hoseok as well, knowing their preferences so well and Kihyun didn’t discus him, being pleased with Yoongi’s choice.

“So about that song you were composing…”

Yoongi rolled his eyes as soon as the waitress walked away, but thankfully didn’t call him out for his awful attempt of changing topics “I was talking about how the kid used to visit you every time I wasn’t home and now you two are glazing at each other as if _something_ happened. Did you sleep with the kid or something?”

Sometimes Kihyun hated how receptive and how observant and how _direct_ Yoongi was. The blonde man raised an eyebrow seeing Kihyun’s hesitance and how nervous he became suddenly. Yoongi waited a whole minute for Kihyun’s mind to snap but seemed like that simple question left Kihyun shocked, totally unmoving in his seat “Did you?”

“No…?”

“Oh my god Kihyun, you totally did.”

“… Do.” Kihyun corrected him after an exasperated totally unnecessary loud sigh from the blonde man. After that little information Yoongi stared at him astonished, his mind processing that word really really slowly while Kihyun burned under his gaze, already disapproving this. 

“Wait… You’re _still_ sleeping with him? Like it’s him your secret boyfriend or something?”

“More like friends with benefits?”

“ _You_? Yoo Kihyun slash Mr. Don’t do one night stands and only look for serious relationships… fooling around with a kid?”

“He’s not a kid, he’s nineteen for fuck sake.”

“Still.” Yoongi looked exasperated, annoyed, but mainly worried and Kihyun didn’t know what to do or say to his best friend, assure him that everything was okay, everything _will_ be okay “For how long?”

Kihyun scratched the back of his head, showing him how uncomfortable he was becoming for the turn this conversation was having, but Yoongi didn’t care and pushed him to answer the damn question faster “3 months.”

With rounded eyes, Yoongi sighed once again, not believing what his ears were hearing and the words coming from the man he had known almost his whole life “Did you get lonely or something? Are you already looking for a boyfriend? Because I totally can introduce you nice guys you could try to date.”

“Nope, last time you introduced me someone, the guy was a weirdo.”

“Ahh c’mon Ki, Taehyung just wanted ice-cream.”

“Taehyung only wanted ice-cream.” Kihyun repeated with a mocking tone and a fool face and Yoongi couldn’t contain the laugh anymore “Yeah Yoongi, I’m aware it was only ‘Ice cream’… During _winter_ … When was snowing _hard_ outside and he didn’t even have a fucking coat.”

“But…”

“Then he said he was ‘ _joking’_ and invited me for dinner… which was okay until _the guy_ decided to ask for a glass of _wine_ and talked and walked as if he drank the whole bar by himself.”

“Some people can’t handle alcohol well…”

“Then I needed to call an uber because the guy just couldn’t walk, and when I asked him his address he said he didn’t remember… and I’m gonna quote what he said _‘but if I tell you my roommate’s address I could sleep there and go home in the morning’_ you know how confused I was?”

“God Tae.”

“And when he told the driver the direction we realized it was two fucking buildings away… you know how _embarrassed_ I was?”

“I—can’t defend him anymore.”

The best friends looked at each other and blurted in laugh, being impossible to contain it anymore. Kihyun seemed to be enjoying himself recalling every bad date Yoongi forced him into and how bad the guys were and how much he hates Yoongi for it. But it was okay because they were laughing and hitting each other with the menus and being a loud mess in their favorite café.

It’s until they’re wiping their tears than Yoongi turned serious again and Kihyun gulped at the cold tone his best friend was using “You’re totally conscious you’re gonna get hurt right?”

“It’s just sex Yoongi, no strings attached.”

“You already have the strings attached Kihyun, you were so fucking whipped for that kid even before I moved out, the way you stared at him… damn Kihyun I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Yoongi…”

“Both of us can smell the pain coming from this, and when he breaks your heart – Because we know he’ll break your heart—just remember I’ll be there for you, okay?”

Yoongi ended the conversation like that, not giving Kihyun time to reply back or justify himself, or assure him everything’s gonna be alright, because exactly in that moment the waitress was already putting their lunch in the table, and seconds later Hoseok was sliding next to his boyfriend. 

“Wow, what happened? You look so gloomy now.”

“Nothing Hobi.” The best friends said at the same time with smiles that looked really forced for the younger man, but he didn’t dare to ask something. Instead he focused in eating his food and hyping the mood again.

During the whole hour they stayed there Kihyun couldn’t help but steal some subtle glazes at Changkyun’s table some – a lot of – times, and for the first time ever Kihyun admitted he was a little bit jealous. The brightness in Changkyun’s face, the wide smile, the sparkling eyes, the freeness of his actions, the happiness, all are stuff Kihyun has never seen in the younger man in the time they’ve spent together.

And that, being the first time Kihyun was in the same room with the man Changkyun was in love with, the brown haired could understand what the younger meant. Changkyun was right, this man was exactly the opposite than Kihyun. Beautiful without trying, as bright as the sun itself, funny and good company, handsome, positive, qualities Kihyun only wished to have. Meanwhile Kihyun is… just Kihyun. Broke, dark, negative, just a blank point in the world…

“Kihyun?” 

“I’m fine.”

Yeah, he’s fine, because he didn’t and doesn’t and won’t ever fall in love with Changkyun.

But the truth is, Kihyun has fallen in love a long time ago.

**~*~**

Kihyun’s very very happy, contented, joyful, cheerful, blissful, in high spirits and while he’s moving away every furniture in his living room, preparing every tube of paint and unrolling the futon, he can’t stop smiling.

Kihyun made his research before and already knows what he’ll paint in Changkyun’s skin and how he will do it. It’s been so long since he painted, be a double major doesn’t really leave a lot of spare time for hobbies or fun, and even now he’s going to paint because of a project, but this excitement running through his veins can’t be overseen. Kihyun’s really happy.

Though he has taken photos of human beings – _Debatable_ \- before, it has never been truly intimate. Like the kind you have with a model or someone special, face to face, with a beautiful scenario behind. But despite of wanting this most of his life, being insolated and unfriendly and cooped up doesn’t really help to archive that dream. He has asked Yoongi, lot of times actually, but he has always rejected him “A photographer shouldn’t be in a photo anyway”, He asked Hoseok too but despite of being of one the cutest men around, he doesn’t consider himself good looking enough to do it, and he asked Jungkook but the little shit does nothing for free. So yeah, he’s excited of finally photographing a person properly.

And he’s doing this with Changkyun of all the people!

Changkyun has always been punctual, it’s one of the best qualities he has, so when the clock hits 1pm Kihyun’s not surprised of the knocks on his door. Kihyun shakes his head laughing because despite of having a spare key Changkyun still prefers announcing himself before using it. Kihyun rushes to the door, checking his appearance before opening the door. The Kihyun in the mirror doesn’t look like the usual Kihyun, he looks happy, glowing, pretty even in that ratty old shirt and worn jeans, he almost can’t recognize himself.

Anyway, Changkyun knocks a second time and the sound snaps Kihyun’s brain out of his trance, moving immediately to open the door for him, being received by a smiling Changkyun… wearing only his boxers.

Changkyun’s definitively trying to kill him.

“Im Changkyun what the fuck, are you trying to get us expelled for public disturbance or what the fuck?” Kihyun could feel his cheeks reddening with the sight in front of him, despite of being already used to seeing Changkyun’s naked.

“I was only a door away…”

“Only you could think walking _naked_ around a fucking hallway it’s okay, what if someone sees you…”

“If you let me in, no one would.”

“And—and---”

“Oh, it’s Hyeongjun and Dohyonnie, gonna greet them.”

Before Changkyun could lift his hand up to wave at them, - or check if they’re really there - Kihyun’s already grabbing his arm and pulling inside his apartment, slamming the door closed and glaring at the idiot in front of him.

“But Hyungggg I wanted to say hi!”

“I’m _not_ Sorry, needed to protect those kids’ innocence.”

Kihyun stares at Changkyun with a raised eyebrow, while the younger’s staring back at him with a huge grin and playfulness in his eyes, and Kihyun couldn’t hold it back anymore and laugh at the idiocy of the situation, Changkyun joins at him not long later and then seconds later they fall in a comfortable silence, only the few giggles escaping their mouths being the only sound in the apartment.

“You’re _terrible_.”

Kihyun hits his shoulder playfully, laughing when Changkyun pouts childishly, but then his playfulness turns into a wide smile, hugging the older man into his arms and pulling him into his chest. Kihyun feels his heart stutters when those warm arms are wrapped around his slim waist, pulling him to a pretty much naked Changkyun, while said man starts peppering him with chaste kisses all over his face.

“Ugh, I missed you Hyung.”

“Well, if you accepted my invitation to study together, we could’ve seen each other in these last three weeks, but nooooo, you wanted to study with your ‘ _friends’_ huh?”

“And you think I could have you in the same room for hours and don’t do anything to you?”

“Yes?”

“Cute.”

“Wow the disrespect, I’m three years older than you remember?”

“Aww Hyung, but if that makes you cuter and prettier and probably the sweetest boy out there--”

Kihyun won’t admit this out loud, _especially_ to Changkyun of all the people, but when the younger sweet-talks to him near of one of his ears like he’s doing now, in that deep voice that dispreads wild sex, makes Kihyun feel like if his legs weakens, his strong façade dissolves into nothing and he becomes all plain in Changkyun’s skillful hands, as a little sheep in front of a depredator.

Kihyun didn’t give him the chance to turn him all submissive, and surges forward, pressing his lips to Changkyun’s. The younger smirks, receiving exactly the reaction he was expecting. His smirk quickly disappears, sighing in his mouth as he kisses back, his hands gripping Kihyun’s waist as he shifts them until the elder has his back pressing to the door and Changkyun’s caging him in.

It feels good. Maybe three weeks it’s too short to be saying this but he truly missed those moist, very soft lips. Changkyun’s an excellent kisser, kissing him deep but still sweet, caressing every part of his mouth with his tongue, curling against his and nipping at Kihyun’s lower lip, pulling it back before diving back in to kiss him harder, as his hands move from his waist to his hips, squeezing him and pulling him closer in a possessive grip.

It’s so good that it almost makes Kihyun forget the real reason why he begged Changkyun to go there.

Almost.

Then Changkyun breaks the kiss, his lungs in need of air after so long kissing, and starts kissing along the elder’s jawline, focusing in that stop that has Kihyun mewling in delight, then down his neck, his favorite place to mark Kihyun, but this time, instead of the bites he was already ready for, Changkyun kisses him softly, gently, so caring, which is fine but so unlikely at the usual sexual beast Kihyun’s already used to. The way Changkyun’s peppering kisses against his skin is outrageously intimate and it momentarily makes Kihyun’s mind drift away again and almost throws away his real purpose in order of have Changkyun between his legs.

No, Yoo Kihyun, behave.

“Changkyunnie.”

“Yeah baby.”

“We need to start working.” 

Kihyun laughs at the younger man’s disappointed pout all the way back to the living room, hands tightly intertwined between their bodies as Kihyun pulls him further into the dorm. Changkyun doesn’t complain though and actually laughs a little bit when Kihyun unconsciously pocks at his irresistible dimple showing up. Really, it feels like it’s getting back home after a long travel for how correct his presence feels in Kihyun’s apartment.

Changkyun blinks confused, a bit surprised maybe, when he notices the little mess in the room, so uncharacteristic of the usual neat freak his neighbor is, the palette, the paint tubes and the several paintbrushes lying carelessly around the futon in the middle of the living room. And Kihyun just doesn’t seem to mind the mess and he’s happily humming a ballad song.

“You’re really excited for this right Kihyunnie Hyung~?” Changkyun comments with a smug smirk, though there’s not mocking laced at the tone, only real curiosity. Nevertheless Kihyun still blushes a little bit, trying his best to hide the light inflame of his cheeks to his guest, turning his back to Changkyun faking looking for something in his kitchen.

Unlikely at what Changkyun’s used to see in the man he has know for at least a year, the cool cold sexy Hyung he has been fooling around with for almost that long, turned all shy and jumpy and giggling and that’s kind of cute in the younger man’s eyes.

“Do you think so?”

“Hmmhmm, it’s adorable though, I’ve never seen you like this.” Changkyun ignores Kihyun’s obvious avoidance, understanding he doesn’t want to be teased for this and goes to sit in the futon with crossed legs, waiting for Kihyun to give him some instructions “So, how do you want me?”

“Depends.” Kihyun follows him after fetching his palette and paintbrush, sitting mirroring Changkyun, pushing away all his shyness to pulls a teasing smirk “Right now I’d want you riding my dick, but for the other thing… depends of what you would let me paint?”

“Someone is so needy today, hmm? Ohhhh but sadly Hyung we need to get to _work_.” Changkyun’s smartass comment doesn’t take long to come and Kihyun doesn’t hesitate to slap his chest playfully, but he doesn’t contradict Changkyun. 

“You don’t know how much I hate you.”

“Nah, you love me, or at least you love my ass.” At Kihyun’s scandalized face Changkyun actually laughs loudly, the dark shade of red rising from his chest to his cheeks doesn’t go unnoticed by the elder man “Just do whatever you want Hyung I’m all yours today.”

Kihyun nods pleased at Changkyun’s answer, moving to kneel in front of him, one hand with his palette and a brush in the other “Hey Kyunnie, look at me.”

Changkyun does as he’s asked to, their eyes meeting for a brief moment before Kihyun has to look away due to the intensity in the younger’s eyes, then a weird atmosphere falls between them; it’s not awkward per se, just tense, as if the sexual tension between them caged those last three weeks it’s almost palpable, and frustrating because of matter of time they can’t act on it. 

Despite of that, Kihyun pushes any kind of inappropriate thought at the back of his mind, recovering his previous excitement when the thinnest paintbrush delicately traces little lines of green above Changkyun’s skin. It’s been so long since he painted or draw or something similar to this, but he hasn’t lost his touch and the color looks so beautiful on him, as if it’s made for him. Kihyun actually forgets about everything else while he’s painting Changkyun’s nose, asking him to turn his head around to do the same in his left cheek.

A plant it’s what Kihyun wanted to paint. A bulbous plant that bears bright yellow flowers with long trumpet-shaped center and a beautiful meaning behind. A flower Kihyun considers as one of the prettiest in the world, definitively one of his favorites too.

The start of a leaf cover Changkyun’s nose, spreading to his cheeks where the first yellow flower is painted. Kihyun took at least twenty minutes painting the flower but he’s proud of the great details it has and the final result of his effort. He’s far from over though and tilts Changkyun’s head to expose his long neck.

Here Kihyun’s received by a little protest but he doesn’t pay attention to the younger boy, too concentrated tracing the silhouette of a petal with the thinner brush. It’s not until the skin he’s painting trembles a bit that Kihyun stops, Changkyun moving instinctively away of the brush and the purple haired can’t help but send a bloodcurdling glare at the younger man, who looks really apologetic Kihyun notices “Sorry Hyung, you know how sensible I’m there.” Changkyun says with a small voice and Kihyun understands the poor boy, after all he _does_ know how sensitive he is there, his neck being his favorite victim during their sexual encounters, his favorite part of Changkyun, really. Kihyun doesn’t know what to say back to him and sensing his discomfort Changkyun’s lips tugs in a little smile, giving him the okay. So, Kihyun uses the brush to paint another two flowers, this time smaller than the one in the cheek.

Kihyun forgets about matter of time and space, focusing his whole attention at his work of art, finishing with his neck to progress to his left shoulder, leaving behind a trace of stems to connect each flower together. Being less ticklish there, Kihyun paints without any problem another flower in that space, and this time when he finished, he decides to take a little five minutes break to rest a bit, taking the chance to ask Changkyun about his exams and how did they go. 

If everything goes as Kihyun expects, he’ll cover just a little bit of his chest, because his main focus is the backside of the younger’s man. So planning to cover every little skin of the younger, Kihyun asks him to turn around, starting to attack him mercilessly. 

Being this one of Changkyun’s weakest spot, even more sensitive than his neck, the younger man’s breath quickens the moment his brush touches his bare back, complaining about how strange it feels unlike when he did it with his neck and cheek, a bit cold, definitively wet and very very ticklish, but when Kihyun asks him worried if he should stop, Changkyun makes a small negative noise, assuring him that it is okay.

Really, Changkyun’s the perfect model _and_ blank sheet. He doesn’t ask questions, just lets Kihyun do whatever he wants without complain (That much). Changkyun’s a little bit talkative in his usual basics but right now he’s quiet, allowing Kihyun to concentrate as much as he needs. Kihyun’s almost sure the younger man is dying of boredom and he has millions of stuff more interesting to do that be here with Kihyun, still he assures the elder man that is fine and he’s actually having fun, and despite of knowing he’s lying, Kihyun still finds it really cute. Kihyun knows he’s tired and sleepy but during their break he only asked for coffee and he’s back to work in no time.

Ugh, why is Changkyun like this? Makes Kihyun feel weird stuffs in his chest.

It took a lot of time finishing with his back and Kihyun’s also a little bit tired of being sitting for so long, but seeing how his idea is going somewhere it makes him feel really proud, and additional to that, Kihyun really loves how does it looks right now.

Anyway, being a little difficult to paint his waist and hips with both of them sitting, Kihyun finally talks after almost an hour “Kyun, lay in the futon please?” Changkyun hums, going to do what Kihyun asked him to do, moaning in happiness when the softness of the futon hits his face (lying his right cheek so he won’t ruin the paint in the left one) obviously exhausted after such long day. As he’s straddling the younger’s tights to make the process easier, Kihyun asked him once again if he’s okay but Changkyun hums approvingly, and trying to lie still, he closes his eyes and listen to Kihyun working.

Changkyun finds himself relaxing under the light touch of Kihyun’s brush and as minutes pass Changkyun’s soft snores break around the room. It looks so cute in Kihyun’s eyes, so so so cute, and maybe he’s being so soft for the guy right now, the big favor he’s doing to Kihyun and how beautiful Changkyun looks laying with yellow flowers all over his back, and Changkyun’s being so nice to him those two days, the time they spent apart those three weeks, all of that together, makes his heart pounds so loud and fast into his chest, his eyes staring at him with a fondness he has never felt for someone else before, it’s weird, but a kind of good weird.

_‘Okay, maybe I like him a little bit, nothing serious nothing serious, there’s nothing wrong with it.’_

_‘It’s your friend with benefits, of course there’s a lot of wrong things with it.’_

But then Kihyun stares at Changkyun sleeping under him one more time and his heart skips a beat. 

_‘God, I’m_ so _fucked.’_

****

**

*

Almost three hours later Changkyun stirs awake, disoriented and confused why he’s sleeping on a futon instead of his shitty but still more comfortable bed and why he’s not in his room _or_ his apartment for that matter. Then the smell of the fresh paint comes to his nose, looking around him the mess of paint tubes and brushes are still laying carelessly around him, and subsequently he remembers Kihyun above him humming a song and his concentrated – admittedly cute - pout and his order to not move that much, so he stops himself before he rolls around the futon as he wanted to do a second ago. Getting up, as carefully as he can, Changkyun scans the room with his eyes looking for the brown haired man somewhere, but there’s not a single trance of him “Kihyun Hyung?”

“In the kitchen!”

Changkyun follows the voice sleepily with almost soundless baby steps, intending to rub his face with one of his hands to wipe away a bit of the remaining sleep still clingy to his body, but before he can do that he remembers the flower Kihyun painted on his cheek and fight against his desires. He can’t also stretch his body as he’s used to, because although he can feel the paint is no longer wet or stickly, he doesn’t want to ruin Kihyun hard work.

Then his stomach growls like a lion when the tasty aroma of the pizza hit him stronger than a firetruck, already his mouth is savoring the food even before he can eat it. Damn he’s so hungry and didn’t realize how much until Kihyun is serving the food. Actually he was only looking for two glasses for the coke, and two unnecessary plates, Changkyun notices, and before the brown haired can acknowledge his presence, the younger man is enveloping the distracted man in a tight embrace from behind, in a silent thank you and Kihyun can’t help but chuckle, already used to Changkyun’s random demonstration of affection in the most odd situations, and pats his head as if he’s his pet but Changkyun doesn’t seem to mind as he lean on the touch.

“I was about to wake you up, I guessed you would be hungry by now.”

“ _Starving_.” 

“It’s only pepperoni pizza, hope you don’t mind.”

“Are you kidding? Right now that’s my favorite food in the world.”

They decide to ditch the table in order of eating in the living room… or in the couch Kihyun threw away in a corner of the living room. The elder man disconnected the TV when he was moving away the furniture, so the only sounds in the apartment are they eating. Changkyun really looks like a hungry stray dog seeing food for the first time, as he eats a slice of pizza in only four bites. Kihyun chuckles at the sight and starts eating as well, deciding to mock the younger for his behavior later.

“It’s not wet anymore.” Changkyun comments once the food in his plate disappeared astonishingly fast and he’s licking his fingers in appreciation of the sauce. Kihyun looks at him disapprovingly but doesn’t comment on his bad modals.

“Yup, you napped for quite a while, I already finished with your back and arms.”

“Impressive! You should’ve waken me up though.”

“Nah, you seemed you _needed_ that nap.”

“I did, yeah, exams are hard.”

“I know you did well Kyun, I trust you.”

Changkyun smiles triumphant at the elder man, making a weird happy dance celebrating exams are over and he’s free of them for a few weeks. Kihyun’s face turns dark as an angry frown replaces his sweet smile when he sees Changkyun’s back almost rubbing with the leather of the couch “Don’t move too much!”

“Sorry!”

“Want to see it?”

“Can I?”

“Of course dumby.”

Kihyun gets up of the couch, signaling Changkyun to move back to the futon while he picks the camera. The black haired man does as Kihyun asked him to, but no really knowing what to do, he just sits awkwardly waiting for the other to come back. Few minutes later Kihyun’s back and when the younger hears a click, he turns around to glance confusedly at the elder man “You know we could’ve gone to the mirror right?”

“Why? This is easier.”

“You are so weird, Hyung.” Changkyun giggles at Kihyun’s offended face, but every desire of mocking dies when the elder man shows him the screen of his camera.

Kihyun’s proud of his work, for him this is one of the best he has done in his life, but even he’s surprised of how well everything went. Changkyun seems to think the same thing as he looks at the photo amazed.

“Wooow, so pretty Hyung!”

“Thank you.” Kihyun feels once again how his heart go wild into his chest for Changkyun’s pretty smile and his eyes staring at Kihyun like if he’s the most talented man in the world. Kihyun doesn’t try to hide the blush in his cheeks, as he pushes Changkyun to lie on his back so he can start working on his chest.

“Don’t move too much okay Kyun, I’ll try to be fast.”

“I don’t mind if you take your time Ki.”

As Kihyun glances at the wallclock he realizes he doesn’t have that much time anymore, maximum an hour and half and he feels the stress building up in his shoulders. He should be really fast if he wants to make it up on time. So once Changkyun’s back hits the futon and accommodates himself to be in a more pleasing position, Kihyun straddles his thighs to be able of reach every corner of his chest easier.

“Gonna be honest Hyung, when you said you’ll paint something you love in me, flowers were the last thing I thought you would like to paint.”

Kihyun snorts annoyed, already feeling the bile revolving in his stomach. If he’s honest, this is far the first time someone has said the exact same thing to him _“Flowers? So feminine!” “Ugh flowers are stupid” “So gay” “Are you sure you have a penis between your legs?” “Faggot!”_ but with other people Kihyun didn’t care about their ignorant opinions. Changkyun’s different though, he has always been there for him, and Kihyun actually cares a lot.

“ _Why_?”

“Don’t know? I never thought you were a flower boy… I mean, you _are_ a flower boy, slender body, pretty face and all, but I thought you would maybe go for something more… I don’t know… _meaningful_?”

Kihyun rolls his eyes at the comment and at the same time snorting loudly, actually he’s quite pissed now. Like pissed enough he wants to hit Changkyun with a bat or something similar that could cause maybe a bigger damage, like a dinner table or something, and that’s a first. More meaningful, he said uh.

“What’s more meaningful than a flower, really?” Changkyun flinches when those words came rather spiteful, even Kihyun’s kinda surprised for how terribly pissed he sounded, so he doesn’t blame the younger for staring at him with a kind of scared, confused glance, despite of finding it annoying “The flower I chose… do you know what it mean? Do you even know its name? No, of course your dumb ass doesn’t know.”

Changkyun blinks confused at the rare insult coming from the elder man, gasping like a fish out of the sea, especially when the well-mannered man continues his speech with an even angrier tone.

“Daffodil, that’s its name, and it’s often used to express people’s deepest and most hidden emotions. Creativity, inspiration, vitality, joy, happiness are some of them, such beautiful stuff I feel _only_ when I see _you_. I didn’t choose you only to paint _‘a meaningless flower’_ as you said, no, I choose to paint on you a flower that holds a beautiful symbolism for me, _specifically_ because they reminded me of you, _pff_ but of course a cave man like you wouldn’t appreciate the effort I put on this.”

It’s unreasonable how distressed the elder man is, too busy preparing the new palette and babbling how it is stupid _of him_ trying to teach some culture to a total ignorant brainless man and _‘… Of course, science majors won’t ever understand how the mix of colours would represent feelings and probably you think lightening is only turning the light on right?…’_ and _‘…It’s like teaching a monkey how to drive… wait no delete that, teaching a monkey is way easier…’_ to realize how ridiculously red Changkyun became, staring at him with two wide eyes as if he doesn’t believe those words actually left Kihyun’s mouth. Kihyun doesn’t seem to realize what he said or how dumbfounded, petrified the man under him became until Changkyun finally reacts, sitting as he enfolds Kihyun’s waist with his arms to pull him closer, now their faces inches away.

“What the fuck Changkyun?!”

“Can you _please_ no say sweet stuff like that when you’re literally sitting on my lap?”

“I don’t get it? I just called you stupid, like, several times?”

“Fool.”

Kihyun snorts at the insult, rolling his eyes to stress his point, but the younger man smiles up dumbly at him. Kihyun _tries_ but can’t hold back his grumpy act for a long time and surrenders at Changkyun’s pretty smile. Shit, Changkyun really has him eating from his hand.

In that short distance, their eyes meet for a brief second, the smile dying on Kihyun’s lips when Changkyun’s face shifts considerably closer, now staring at Kihyun with a lust glint in his gaze. Kihyun knows this face, he has seen it too often that past year to not recognize it and at the moment he doesn’t like it. No, he actually likes it a lot, but right now he doesn’t want to summits to the demon’s desire. Changkyun’s has always been very attractive, but right now he’s beautiful, _too_ beautiful, almost magical, and when Changkyun whispers “Hyung…” almost against his lips, he’s just too weak to say no to Changkyun.

Their chests are pressed together and Kihyun can feel the heat of his naked body even through his layers of clothes, damn Changkyun feels so hot. Changkyun _is_ so hot. Kihyun moves one of his hands to tangle them in the younger’s black strands of hair, while said man has his arms firmly wrapped around his waist, pulling him impossibly closer. Kihyun truly missed this contact.

Changkyun tilts his chin up, his lips brushing slightly with Kihyun’s, but still not pressing, close but not close enough, he can feel the warmth of his lips but he makes no move to close that inch between them, Changkyun’s eyes asking silently for permission which the elder gives with a little nod.

Kihyun moans happily when Changkyun finally closes that damn little inch separating them, pressing his warm lips to his own. Changkyun has soft lips that molds perfectly with Kihyun’s, and Kihyun’s addicted to them, he loves the way the younger kisses him sweetly first, then turning feverish when Kihyun gives him the access of his mouth so he can slip his tongue inside eagerly.

Changkyun disconnects their mouths for a brief moment to push Kihyun to lie in the futon instead while he moves above him, straddling his hips before pushing his lips against Kihyun’s once again. Kihyun considers himself a pretty good kisser, but so is Changkyun, so they fight for dominance before Changkyun surrenders and let Kihyun kiss him deeply.

Despite of having Kihyun’s hands around his body all day, Changkyun craves for his touch, he wants Kihyun to touch him properly, to leave _marks_ all over his body and claim him as his, so the younger threads his long fingers through his hair and pulls Kihyun to kiss him deeper. Kihyun bits down the younger’s bottom lip and pulled, Changkyun makes a sound somewhere between a whine and a moan and they both freeze, Kihyun releasing Changkyun’s lip and watching as a string of spit connected them before breaking.

“ _Hyung_.” Kihyun knows this tone so well, the pleading and the lust behind those words are something he’s already used to, but right now he tries to push Changkyun away even if his body is screaming for giving up and take Changkyun right there and right now, but the younger rarely moves, caging Kihyun’s head between his arms and moving to his neck to leave his trail of kisses.

“Changkyun no--- we don’t have time.”

“But Kihyun, I want you.”

“Changkyun--” The raven haired doesn’t stay to hear Kihyun’s half-hearted complains anymore, getting up and walking through the apartment as he owned the place in his magnify nakedness as he dropped his underwear somewhere in the living room, tracing into his bedroom and staying there mere seconds before he’s walking back to where he left Kihyun with lube and a condom in hands, straddling his legs once he’s back.

“God Kihyun, you turned me on now take responsibility of your acts.”

“I literally just insulted you!”

“C’mon Hyung, you’re so tense.” Changkyun starts kissing his neck again, this time with determination, all the way up until he bites his earlobe, whispering “I can help you with that Hyunnie” in that obscene, deep, honey-whipped voice of his that cause chills to run all around Kihyun’s body until his lower part, his dick coming to life almost instantly.

Changkyun feels his cock twitching against his ass, smirking diabolically as soon as Kihyun moans unconsciously out loud when the younger starts rutting down, using those dancer hips to move in little circles in the most obscene way to give Kihyun the most torturous pleasure “God Kihyun, I’ve wanted _this_ for weeks now.”

Kihyun doesn’t express it out loud but he also wanted this, he missed Changkyun’s touches and kisses, and inappropriate sexual jokes the younger says in the most inopportune moments, and spend time with him after classes, simply hanging out as simple friends or having the most intense sex as if they were already lovers. He almost lets out another moan when Changkyun grinds down particularly sinfully and Kihyun needs to hold onto his hips to stop him so he can catch his breath.

Kihyun glances at the wall-clock one more time, noticing he already wasted ten minutes of his time half-heartily fighting with the younger, but Changkyun’s already half hard and his eyes are saying ‘ _please’_ , and Kihyun just can’t say no, his body is also craving for Changkyun’s, his hands ache to touch Changkyun, his mind is full only of Changkyun and all the stuff he can do to him... So _at last_ Kihyun gives up, stroking his hips as he says “Okay, but let’s be quick.”

Changkyun can’t hide his victorious smile even if he tried, one that Kihyun really doesn’t appreciate at the moment. He hates how weak he is for the younger man, always doing what the other wants and dodging his responsibility in order of fuck. Anyway, when Changkyun takes the edge of his shirt and pull it off in a swift movement to immediately smash their lips together in a feverous kiss, invading the elder’s mouth with _intention_ , Kihyun can’t complain anymore.

One of his hands entwines in his hair, pulling the younger for a deeper kiss while the other traces around his body, being careful to not ruin the paint over him and paying special attention to his nipples as he knows it’s one of Changkyun’s favorite places. Changkyun whimpers for the gentle treatment, his body searching for Kihyun’s touch unconsciously, leaning closer to the elder’s warmth and begging with his eyes to just _hurry up_.

“You’re so beautiful.” Kihyun whispers against the other’s mouth, finding irresistible those two petals Changkyun calls lips, leaning on to kiss him shortly twice before continuing what he was trying to say “Sometimes it’s just difficult to not stare at you.”

The younger smiles at the compliment, a pretty blush spreading all over his cheeks while his lips work a trail along Kihyun’s neck to his cheeks, stopping in the middle to peck the tip of his nose “So are you Hyung. You know what is difficult? No have you by my side these days. Wanting to go to you but retrieving myself to not interrupt our studies. I missed you so much.”

Kihyun’s thankful Changkyun decided to drop his underwear before, so he can perfectly cup his asscheeks between his hands, squeezing them “I really wish I could do to you all the stuff I have in mind.”

Changkyun lets out a little moan, moving a bit to pick the abandoned tube of lube and pushes it hurriedly at Kihyun’s chest. The elder man gets the memo and opens the cap to pour a good amount of the content in his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it before going back to Changkyun’s ass. Kihyun’s unlubed hand sets in the younger’s back and tugs him closer to his chest, signaling him to perk his ass out to have better access. Without further delay Changkyun obliges, taking the perfect chance to leave hickeys on his neck and shoulder and every piece of skin he can reach with his lips.

“And I missed you too, Kyun.”

The younger whimpers when the first finger circles his entrance, stroking but not entering, and the man raises his gaze to glare at the elder’s playful smirk. Showing some mercy to Changkyun, Kihyun decides to finally slips the finger in, very slowly careful to not hurt him. The brown haired rocks his finger, out then back in, curling it so it drags right where he knows Changkyun is more sensitive. Changkyun tenses for a moment before relaxing, letting Kihyun’s finger stretch his asshole open.

“W-When you’re done ---- _oh fuck_ \------ when you’re done with your project, p-promise me we’ll come back here and you’ll do all that s-stuff y-you have in mind.”

Kihyun’s face darkens with the request, his eyes blinding in lust as the younger man moans in that deep voice of his when his finger almost press against that sweet spot inside of his body “I promise.”

“Y-you k-know, Ki.” The black haired says between moans and gasps as the second finger joins the first one without warning, moving slowly inside him, aiming to hit his prostate with every single thrust “I should still be a little loose from yesterday.”

“Oh?” Kihyun says with a smirk, noticing Changkyun’s lack of resistance from the very beginning but not mentioning anything waiting for the younger to admit it himself. Because that could only mean one thing and Changkyun would prefer die that admit something like _that_ to Kihyun out loud.

“Y-yeah, I’ve been touching my-myself a lot lately, couldn’t resist it anymore.” Changkyun groans as his fingers push rather harshly, not failing in hitting straight at his prostate, his hands gripping his chest almost painfully and whining petulantly when Kihyun takes his fingers out to put more lube and inserting three fingers at once.

“Were you thinking about me?”

“I-I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the start of the year, Hyung.”

Kihyun pointedly ignores his fluttering heart and the beat it skips in favor of staring at gorgeous creature above him. Right now Changkyun seems to be in his most stunning stage, the paint over him makes him look stunning, glittery, delightful, the most beautiful candy-eye only for Kihyun to see, the biggest pleasure and the most diabolic torture at the same time, oh how he wishes he could touch Changkyun the way he deserves to be touched. Especially when the younger straightens his back completely and raises his hips very very slowly, smirking devilish when he catches Kihyun’s intense glance roaming above his body.

Changkyun adores the way Kihyun’s looking with obvious desire and bets him with his eyes to not look at anything or anyone else but him. Changkyun uses his fingers to open up and pleases himself, finding a weird kind of satisfaction in the way Kihyun’s eyes never lets his, sometimes alternating between his face and then the spot where his fingers penetrate his lover’s hole repeatedly, and the big satisfaction of how the sounds he’s making it’s almost driving Kihyun insane and pushing him near of the edge.

“Are you ready?”

Changkyun catches the urgency in his voice, and despite of wanting to tease the elder man a little bit, uses his finger to cum and pretend he doesn’t want to do anything else _‘You know Hyung, it’s so late, we have work to do’_ push Kihyun buttons, piss him off enough until he can’t control his impulses anymore and push Changkyun down in that damn futon and fucks him hard and fast, until turning Changkyun all submissive enough to beg for mercy. But his eyes sets in the painful bulge still trapped uncomfortably in those sweatpants, and his mouth waters remembering his size and the things Kihyun can do with those hips. This is the dick Changkyun has been dreaming about those past weeks, craving for it like a starving man and having it inside of him it’s the only thing that can satisfy his hunger.

“Look.” Changkyun says with a sweet voice as he pushes Kihyun’s hand away of his butt, pinning his writs down with one hand and using his teeth to rip the condom packet and rolls it on Kihyun’s dick, lining himself up once he’s done “Look at me, only me Hyung.” Kihyun opens his mouth for a brief moment, probably to say something totally irrelevant like ‘ _My eyes have never left you even before we formally met’_ or something embarrassing like _‘I can’t look at someone else but you’_ or something totally stupid like _‘I love you’_. So he decides to close his mouth and focus his whole attention in the way how the younger’s hole seems to be sucking his dick slowly, steady until he sinks down on top of him.

Changkyun doesn’t waste a moment to start moving his hips, slow at first, getting use to the new instruction before pushing his whole body upwards, barely only the tip inside before leaving his whole weight falls onto Kihyun, inserting his dick into his hole wholly.

They’re desperate for this release, desperate for each other’s body, clinging onto the other’s as much as they can, Kihyun’s hands in the younger’s butt guiding his movements, in his thighs while Changkyun tries to open a hole in Kihyun’s chest for how much he’s biting, sucking marking his way up towards his neck, pulling Kihyun for a desperate kiss. It’s been only three weeks away but feels like a century since they were able to meet this way, only the two of them alone swallowing every moan the other’s lets go.

If he’s honest, he prefers Changkyun riding his dick than any other way, maybe because he can reach much deeper, or because he can let Changkyun use his body to chase his orgasm, or because this way he can enjoy every moment together, he can stare at Changkyun pleasing himself and save all his expression in his memories, because this is something he wants to remember forever.

Changkyun bites his lower lip and stares at Kihyun staring back at him. Their eyes meet and it’s like if the world stopped for one of them, because Kihyun swears he sees something in Changkyun’s eyes that is not lust only, maybe a bit of affection, and he doesn’t want to be delusional to think it’s love what he sees in the smile Changkyun throws at him, but it may be something similar to love. His heart brings itself to think that maybe he can have a little bit of hope.

Just maybe.

“What are you thinking?”

Changkyun lays his body above Kihyun’s until his lips are against the latte’s ear, taking his earlobe between his lips and sucking as if he’s trying to pressure Kihyun to answer the question faster.

“You. Just you.”

“Good.” Changkyun rolls his body again, lifting up and sliding down slow, very slow, making sure Kihyun can see and feel every movement, as if he’s trying to force him to stay here with him, instead of leaving his mind float to any other place… “Because right now you’re all I’m thinking about too.”

“ _Shit_.” Kihyun holds his hips in place in a harsh grip, hard enough to wipe away a bit of the paint and leave a red mark in Changkyun’s skin for the other’s to see in the morning. Kihyun has tried to be careful the whole night but he got to the point where all he wants to do is fuck Changkyun senseless, so he won’t ever forget to whom he belongs to. Even if he’s not Kihyun’s still.

Kihyun bucks his hips up, hard and fast, hitting dead on his prostate in his first thrust and staying there attacking mercilessly the younger man. Changkyun tries to stay up to not crash Kihyun, but his hands give up and his body can’t hold it anymore and topples over. Kihyun’s waiting for him, hugging him to his chest as he pistons his hips upwards.

Changkyun tries to hold back his moans and screams, his name between pleads of going faster and harder as his sweet spot is abused. Maybe Kihyun should’ve gone a little slower, drawn it out a bit longer, but they’re both desperate for their so wished release, Kihyun’s close and for the sounds Changkyun’s making and the way his ass is clenching around him, it’s obvious he’s close too.

Kihyun hits his prostate hard once, twice, thrice more and that’s all Changkyun needs to spit all over Kihyun’s stomach and a bit of his own, Kihyun following short after in a mix of a moan and Changkyun’s name.

Kihyun carefully loosens the grip in the younger’s hips, wrapping his arms lovingly around Changkyun’s hips, and stay still while catching their breaths, enjoying each other’s body heat and little pecks Kihyun leaves in Changkyun’s head. After few minutes the elder lifts him up easily to deposit him in the futon, moving away to leave enough space for the younger man. The black haired moans in happiness once the softness of the futon hits his back, complaining between teeth, fake annoyance and pants how tired he is and how much he doesn’t want to move for the rest of the day and _‘Oh fuck that was good. I missed your dick so much.’_

Kihyun chuckles darkly because it’s not Changkyun’s dick the only thing he missed of him or his ass in this case. He shakes his head, trying to not twitch his words and taking them all the wrong way, especially when Changkyun’s looking at him with fond eyes, making grabbing hands to make Kihyun lay next to him.

The elder man has to be strong to say no to Changkyun’s pout, even if it is only for few seconds while he fishes out his shirt from the place Changkyun decided to throw it before and wipes away the cum in his stomach. Kihyun gets up to pick the box of wet tissues and a clean towel, laughing all the way to his room, to the bathroom and back to the living room, listening all the complains the younger man has to say.

Kihyun pays special attention to Changkyun, wiping away the cum with the wet tissues and cleaning his sweating body with the towel, satisfied that despite of their rough acts the paint is still intact in his body. Changkyun seems to read his mind

“Gonna be honest Hyung. I hate I agreed to do this.” Kihyun feels his heart dropping to the stomach, his hands stopping cleaning his body and stilling in the other’s chest, staring at him visibly with the fear and the pain he tried to hide but failing miserably “-- Because right now all I want to do is stay here with you and pepper you with kisses and watch a sappy movie while we cuddle in your bed.”

Kihyun chuckles a bit at this, but can’t stop his heart fluttering with the plan, realizing he also wants that “That sounds a lot like a date.”

“Ugh, you dropped the d word.” Changkyun chuckles shyly, hiding the last giggle behind his hand and Kihyun can’t help but admire the blush climbing to the younger’s cheeks. It’s pretty “Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, I was thinking in moving here with you? Like, if you want me?”

Kihyun only blinks at Changkyun, the question being throw so carelessly at the unaware man and if he was petrified before, now he’s truly a living statue. Changkyun seems to notice the confused but just wait, titling his head at one side waiting for Kihyun to simply react. It takes him some seconds but at the end his mind catches the statement completely and dumbfoundly he asks “ _You_ want to live with _me_?”

“Hyung, I’m _already_ living with you. Like I spend more time here that in my own place, didn’t you notice? I have a spare key and more than half of my clothes here, my own toothbrush, and my own space in your wardrobe. And I like spending time with you more than with my actual roommate, and I missed you a lot those weeks and I didn’t want to come because I knew you were busy but if we live together we can see each other even if we’re busy? And I don’t know, I want to be with you all the time?”

Opposite of before, Kihyun can’t ignore his heart almost jumping out of his heart, or his stomach doing Olympics jumps inside or his brain screaming to just accept the fucking offer and kiss the daylight out of Changkyun. The younger wants to live with him because he wants to spend more time with him and he missed him… his mind drift away a bit and it’s delusional enough to think maybe Changkyun also loves him… but as Kihyun stares at the nervous Changkyun staring back at him with fond eyes and sweet smile, he can have a bit of faith in a future together _together_ right?

“L-Let’s talk about it later okay?”

“I’ll hold you to that Hyung.” Changkyun says, sitting up to peck Kihyun’s nose before moving to lay back in the futon with a smug smirk, having done exactly what he wanted and receiving the result he was waiting for, leave a frustrated Kihyun with the mind full of him and only him.

**~*~**

Kihyun already it said it once and he’ll say it millions of times more if it’s necessary, choosing Changkyun as his model for this project is the best decision he has made, and Changkyun saying yes is the best thing that happened to him in his fucking life.

On the other side, He’s not gonna say this out loud or bringing himself to admit it but photographing Changkyun half undressed in the park across the city make him feel a knot in the esophagus due to nervousness. People stare at lot as they walk through the city despite of Changkyun wearing one of his tight black jeans and an old loosen tee Kihyun had in his wardrobe, he’s not used to being the focus of the attention, and so is Changkyun.

But as they walk, hand in hand, with their fingers intertwined, through the long wave of curious citizens, Kihyun can feel more relaxed. The younger squeezes his hand assuring him he doesn’t need to be nervous, that Changkyun doesn’t mind the stares and as he smiles, Kihyun feels a little bit at ease. Meanwhile he has Changkyun by his side, he can do this!

After their sexual intercourse, Kihyun didn’t have enough time to do what he planned in the younger’s upper front before they needed to leave the apartment, but he still took the time of painting in Changkyun’s chest a last daffodil, this one with a little butterfly posing above the crown, right above where his heart is. And despite of his chest looking empty in comparison with his back, Changkyun assured him it’s perfect the way it is.

The park he chose is usually empty at this hour of the day, most people already heading home or stuck at work with extra hours, and for Kihyun, this is perfect. The space is decorated with grass, multiple trees, shrubs and especially summer flowers of all kinds and colours, and a little artificial lake in the middle with a crossway. They arrived just on time, a couple minutes before nightfall, so the sky is a mix of pink, orange and yellow which in contract with Changkyun’s painted skin, looks so perfect in Kihyun’s eyes. This is exactly what the elder wanted.

“Woow so pretty Hyung!”

“Yes, but it’s nothing compared to you.” Kihyun says dismissively, already preparing the camera to take the first photo and noticing through the lens how blushy and giggly Changkyun turns for a comment Kihyun considers only the true… then something clicks in his mind and he remembers he shouldn’t say that kind of intimate stuff to his _friend with benefits_ and blushes as well, stuttering a lot before he can get out a coherent word “I-I mean, you look beautiful with the paint and the twilight--- obviously I’m just talking purely as an artist.” 

“Yeah yeah, you said what you said and I take it, thank you I guess, I know I’m beautiful.”

“You’d be prettier if you shut your mouth and take your clothes off, really.” Changkyun laughs at Kihyun’s petty comment but doesn’t make any of his snarky remarks, thankfully, and taking the hint, he starts undressing waist up, throwing the shirt somewhere on the floor and walking to where some of the sunflowers are, sitting there and waiting for Kihyun to take a photo.

“I’m a flower more!” Changkyun says raising his arms up to Kihyun, making grabbing hands like if he’s a kid and a dumb smile, so wide that his dimples are showing in full display and the elder wants to erase of his face because it’s so cute and it’s making weird stuff in his stomach. Kihyun tries to hide the giggle, but at the end his lips tug upwards without his consent in a little smile while the first click sounds in the park.

It’s silly if he’s honest, but the photo doesn’t look all that bad. Changkyun looks happy and enjoying himself despite of the torturous long hours of painting Kihyun pulled him into.

“Lay on your back Kyun.”

Changkyun stares in disgust at the grass under him once before turning back to glare at the elder man “If an ant or any other insect bite my ass, I swear to god I’m gonna bite yours.”

“Wanna see you trying kid.”

Kihyun chuckles warmly at the empty threat and few complains following the comment, but at the end Changkyun gives up and Kihyun watches fondly at the younger doing exactly what he asked him to despite of despising the idea of his bare back coming in contact with unknown dirt.

Kihyun notices the grass hasn’t been cut in a while, it’s long enough to cover a bit of Changkyun’s sides, the yellow of the sunflowers mixes with the yellow of the daffodils in Changkyun’s skin, and as he stands above the younger to get the perfect angle, their eyes meet through the lens and Kihyun’s heart stops beating for a few seconds.

It’s stupid and unprofessional how a single glance could turn Kihyun’s inside in a huge mess of nervousness and something Kihyun refuses to call ‘butterflies in the stomach’ because this is not a fucking fairytale and Kihyun isn’t a middle schooler girl.

It’s when the younger tilts his head with an innocent grin that Kihyun decides to click twice, moving a bit above him to find the perfect angle. Changkyun doesn’t move that much, but his eyes never leave Kihyun’s, following every movement with his gaze until Kihyun smiles satisfied with the result, staring at the little screen where the photo is displayed.

“What now Hyung?”

“Sit.”

Kihyun ignores Changkyun’s comment about ‘ _Treating him like if he’s a dog’_ and goes to where he threw his backpack to take out a little synthetic bouquet of daffodil flowers he brought. They’re plastic but at least they look real enough for the photo, so they’re perfect for their objective: Look pretty in Changkyun’s hands. 

Kihyun gives the bouquet to Changkyun, who is sitting cross-legged where he left him. It’s funny how Changkyun stares at Kihyun like if grew two news heads when the elder lies completely on the grass, holding his upper body up with his elbows while still holding the camera in Changkyun’s direction. Someway he looks like those people in a safari waiting for the animal to do something. In this case, Changkyun’s the animal and he’s not moving at all.

“What do I do?”

“Just do _something_.”

Changkyun looks pretty much confused, being used to notebooks and encyclopedias, so flowers and nature and stuff like that, including angles and lightning, are really out of his comprehension. So he does the first thing that comes into his mind: smell the flowers.

Exactly in that moment he hears another three clicks coming from the elder and raising his gaze once again, he frowns.

“They don’t smell!”

“They’re plastic Changkyun, of course they don’t smell, the bouquet is only for decoration.”

“ _Oh_ … I feel utterly _deceived_ Hyung, I trusted you… and people ask why I have trust issues!”

Kihyun rolls his eyes but doesn’t comment on it, Changkyun sometimes can be the most mature man Kihyun has ever crossed paths or the most immature kid the elder wants to kick out of his life. And right now he’s being very very immature but in a kind of way Kihyun only wants to laugh.

This photo is perfect though. The position almost hurt his neck, and he needed to lay down more to get the perfect angle, but Kihyun’s content with the result. There he can perfectly see the twilight trough the trees behind Changkyun, illuminating the younger’s body in a kind of magical way.

Magic.

As everything the younger man makes him feel.

“Turn around Kyun, let me see that perfect back of yours.”

“The flattering doesn’t work on me Hyung. I know you’re only praising yourself and your own work.”

Before he turns in his butt, Changkyun sticks his tongue out as a petulant child and unconsciously, Kihyun lets a slight smile adorns his face in the meanwhile. He clicks twice, before calling the younger’s name in a sweet tone lacing too many feelings. And it’s exactly when Changkyun turns his head that Kihyun clicks one more time.

“Perfect.”

****

**

*

The sun is almost gone by the time they’re almost done, thankfully after some photos more in other three places, Kihyun took enough photos to fulfill his project, now smiling and joking with Changkyun, humming a girl group song and even dancing while Changkyun’s debating with himself a new pose. When was the last time he had this much fun? If he’s honest, he doesn’t remember, it’s been so long, so so so long and Changkyun, with his supportive aptitude and weird jokes, makes him want to do everything. Taking a photo or dance at the most embarrassing cringy song.

Staring at the younger man Kihyun thinks incredulously he would love to use his camera the rest of his life only for taking photos of Im Changkyun.

“You aren’t nervous anymore.” Changkyun points up while he’s lifting his shirt from the floor to put it on again. They’re both dirty with grass and mud all over their clothes, Changkyun even has grass in his hair – and if you know Changkyun, his hair is _sacred_ \- but he’s happy too, he looks way more relaxed now that he has been in the whole year of college. Maybe he also needed this distraction.

“You noticed it?”

“Of course, it was pretty much obvious.”

Scrolling through the photos he took, Kihyun doesn’t notice the younger finally dressing up and walking to where he’s standing until his arms are wrapped around his waist, resting them in his tummy while his chin lies in his shoulder “Wanna see!”

Kihyun commits the big damn mistake of spinning around to stare at the sudden extra weight and for a brief moment it’s like if his world stopped when those deep brown eyes stare at him, and while the corners of Changkyun’s lips are tugging upwards in a smile, Kihyun looks petrified between the younger’s arms. They’ve never been the most loving, touchy-feely, gross-with-public-demonstration-of-affection kind of couple, _they’re not even a couple_ as a matter of fact, so when Changkyun chuckles warmly and steals a peck from his lips, Kihyun’s brain collapses to the floor exactly at the same time that his heart makes a flip-flop in his chest.

Oh goddamn it.

“Hyung! I want to see them too!”

Kihyun directs his attention back to the camera once again but his mind is somewhere flying around, pointedly trying to ignore Changkyun’s giggles right against his marked neck, and the kisses he’s leaving around every piece of skin he can reach and how Changkyun squeezes his frame trying to snaps his brain out of his self-induced trance.

At last, Kihyun shows him every one of them, even making some comments about how perfect the angle was and how good model Changkyun actually is. Taking the chance to thanks Changkyun for acting as an idiot the whole time only to ease a bit his nervousness and the younger just smiles, not accepting or denying anything.

“How many of them do you need? Are they enough?”

Kihyun hums approvingly after showing Changkyun all the photos he took that day, letting his camera hangs in his neck while he rests his body against Changkyun’s warm and soft chest “I actually just need one.”

“Wait wait… You made all this work for _hours_ only for _one_ photo, are you kidding me right?” Changkyun lets him go to stand in front of him with an eyebrow raised, glancing at the elder questioningly, signaling at his back with his thumb to stress his point “When you asked I thought you wanted to fill a whole portfolio or something.”

“It’s not necessary. Our teacher asked us to express a feeling and for that it’s not necessary like 20 photos.”

“A feeling huh? You? You know what it’s that?”

 _Ouch_.

“Yeah, a _feeling_ , and yes, I have feelings too, excuse you.”

Kihyun decides to ignore Changkyun’s giggles once again, finding that’s the best way to shut his mouth in a subtle way, and before the younger can come with another of his annoying comments, Kihyun’s already continuing his explanation.

“Like last year, my old professor asked me to express love, and if you don’t look deeply into the subject, you would think that’s an easy topic, but it is not. There’s all kind of love you know? The one you feel for your mom and dad, the one you feel for your friends, the love for your art, the love for your pets, the love you feel for your significant other, etc. All of them are beautiful right? But there’s also a dark side. Last year I asked Yoongi and his boyfriend to sit in a bench in this same park. They were starting their relationship so everything they did was sickly--- cringy--- annoyingly--- sweet. Capture their love wasn’t all that difficult. But if you looked closely to the picture, you’d noticed at one corner, Seokjin was staring at them with obvious pain while next to him Jimin has an arm wrapped around his shoulders, consoling him. So I was able to express three kind of love: romantic love, unrequited love and friends love.”

“Did they accept it? Even if it’s love between two men—three-- four actually?”

“You’d be impressed how open minded art students are.”

“Amazing.”

“During my first year, another of my teachers asked me to express childhood and at first everyone thought it was so easy, actually they said it was ‘the easier concept of the year’ but it was not. They weren’t asking me to represent childhood as a whole, they were asking me to show them a part of _my_ childhood and well, that wasn’t easy. My childhood consisted in lonely afternoons and boring days, filled with pencils and sketchbooks all over my room. Extra courses during weekends, working with my mom during summers and classmates I didn’t even remember their faces. Then I came to this place one day, frustrated with the deadline, and Yoongi came with me alongside Jimin and Jungkook and I remembered ‘Hey, they’re my most beautiful memories of my childhood.’, so I asked them. Convincing them was hard, but I did it, and after a travel to my mom’s house I found an old photo of us playing together with a football balloon and brought it to this place. In the project you can see that childhood picture in the right half of the camera, while in the space behind Jungkook and Jimin were playing as in the photo while Yoongi was extending his hand to my direction asking me to join them.”

“I didn’t know you had that dark childhood Hyung.” Changkyun says pouting and the elder can’t help but chuckle, pinching his cheek because he’s weak for his cuteness right now “I wish I met you back then.”

“Well, obvi. We don’t usually talk about stuff like that. It’s depressing, really but you don’t need to look at me like that, it wasn’t that bad.”

Changkyun doesn’t look totally convinced but let it slip, now asking what he truly wanted to ask “And now, which one will you chose?”

Kihyun considers the question, looking through the camera once again to make his choice. It is hard really. If he’s honest, he gladly would choose all of them and maybe put them in a collage. But he can’t. They are all good, perfectly well taken, and each one holds a little part of Kihyun’s heart and in his eyes all of them express what he wanted to.

At the end he makes his choice, deciding the one with Changkyun sitting opposite of him, with his back in full display, the sunset as background through the trees, while his head is turned at his left when Kihyun called for him, in Kihyun’s opinion, it is the best choice. All of them are perfect but this one in particular makes his heart jumps in excitement. 

“Why?” Changkyun asks curiously after Kihyun shows him the picture of his choice, he doesn’t look opposed at his choice, just purely curious “You said you wanted to express passion right? I thought the one where I was lying on the floor while looking at you was perfect, I was literally giving you bedroom eyes, _heh_.”

“Changkyun _please_.”

“I’m just saying Hyung.”

“Well I asked my teacher, because I was curious what he meant with the whole ‘passion’ shit and he said he was giving me a free topic. He asked me to choose something I really love, something that expresses a part of me, something that makes my heart beats in happiness, something my mind wanted to remember forever, and I think that photo in particular shows what I wanted to communicate.

Our teacher always says ‘The best photographs are the ones that show a part of the artist through a photo’ and I didn’t get it until today, with you here. I chose this place because it holds a huge space in my heart. When I was young and I moved here, I knew no one, I used to take long walks here every day, with my camera taking photo of every single plant, even sometimes I brought my sketchbook, looking around something that inspire me to draw, and also here it’s where I met my friends. I love this place Changkyun-ah. I chose sundown instead of any other time of the day because of the colours, yellow specifically, that in contrast with the flowers expresses what I feel right now, happiness. I chose paint because that was something I’ve always loved to do, for me a brush and oil paints are another way of communication. I already told you why I chose daffodil flowers over any other thing, it’s mainly because I love that flower, but it’s also true they made me think of you… and I chose you because…”

Changkyun looks curiously at him, but aside of the usual inquisitiveness in the younger man has in his eyes, it is mixed with the odd interest in a topic Changkyun doesn’t even like or find interesting, and the way his face goes all soft while looking at Kihyun, a trace of something similar of fondness crossing his features when Kihyun stutters while explaining, and how the smile tugging at his lips shows something no one has felt for Kihyun before, something similar to _love_.

“I- I chose you because---”

 _‘It may be?’_ Kihyun thinks, and while his brain is making a huge effort to reminder him how _impossible_ it is, his heart can’t help but hope. Hope all those months together meant something more for the younger than just mindless sex. Hope Changkyun feels at least a bit like Kihyun does. Hope Changkyun could reciprocate his feelings. Hope Changkyun could give him at least one chance to prove him Kihyun’s worth to love.

Because despite of denying it for months, despite of trying to lock those feelings in the deepest and already forgotten part of his soul, and pretending the younger means nothing more than a simple friend with whom he has sex time to time and doesn’t harbors any other feeling for him, Kihyun just can’t keep lying to himself and the world around him.

The thing is Kihyun is entirely, purely, completely, truly, madly, deeply, wholly, _crazily_ in love with Im Changkyun, has been since a long time ago, probably since that first time a younger version of Changkyun knocked at his door in those fluffy pajamas, tears he tried to wipe away with his sleeves and a shy hesitant voice asking if Kihyun wanted to watch a movie together, even _without_ knowing each other. 

“Be-because I---”

And sometimes Changkyun makes him doubt. With those deep brown eyes that shine so brightly when they’re together, when those lips are always tugged upwards in a constant sweet smile, all those ‘ _I miss you_ ’s ‘ _I wanna see you_ ’s ‘ _Be home safe_ _Hyung_ ’s ‘ _See you at home’_ s the younger says out of nowhere, or those sweet words he whispers against his ears even when they’re not having sex, or those long hugs the younger envelope him when they don’t see for few days, or long sweet kisses that lead to nothing remotely sexual, or those nights when the younger stayed over only to cuddle Kihyun to sleep when the latter was feeling down. Sometimes the younger acts in a way that makes Kihyun have hope, hope that maybe he would feel the same way that Kihyun does.

“--- Because I-I think I’m in love with you.”

Kihyun finally says, the atmosphere suddenly turns tense as the younger stares at him with two rounded plates as eyes, blinking confused as the confession plays in his mind on loop. Each passing second Kihyun becomes more uncomfortable in his presence, two burning eyes staring straight at him speechless and the elder can’t hold it back anymore, his eyes shifting down to the floor, his camera held by a strong grip as the one Kihyun needs to not run away of the park.

This is not how he wanted to tell his feelings to Changkyun. He did _not_ want to tell his feelings to Changkyun _at all_ actually. 

“What?” Changkyun says uncertainly, as if he doesn’t know what to say or do in that moment, a few awkward giggles leaving his mouth trying to cover a bit that deep suffocating silence falling between them “This is your new idea of joking? Because it’s not funny Kihyun Hyung.”

It hurts. Hurts to think Changkyun could ever think he would play with something as serious as his feelings are for him. Kihyun’s scared of look up back at him, scared that his emotions are plastered on his face for Changkyun to understand, to realize how deep are the feelings longing for him, scared that he just ruined their relationship over a slip of tongue.

But it’s now or never.

Kihyun pushes his fears away and meets the younger’s inquisitive eyes and the gasp leaving his mouth it’s all Kihyun needs to understand that Changkyun finally realized the seriousness of his words.

Kihyun waits until Changkyun’s mind registers the new information, his eyes shifting from surprise to confusion, then to guilt when he takes two steps closer to the elder man and the elder flinches visibly at the little touch. Changkyun cups one of his cheeks in his warm hand, nervous eyes meeting sad ones, so close but still so far.

“For…how long?” Changkyun starts timidly, his thumb caresses his cheeks while his other hand moves to his waist, holding him in place but not pulling, keeping between them a safe space.

Seconds feels like hours, the overwrought atmosphere turning into something heavy, the throbbing silence filling the park around them, and Kihyun just stares at the younger’s boy, stares and stares until it’s Changkyun who needs to shift gaze away of Kihyun.

“A few months.” Kihyun finally replies after building the courage to do so, his voice sounds weak as the words broke through his lips forcefully, the knot in his throat making every word more difficult to pronounce, a new wave of pain runs through his veins at the sigh Changkyun let’s go.

“I… didn’t know.”

Obviously, if Kihyun has to say it himself, he put his best actuation those past months. The act of not loving Changkyun.

“Did you… when I asked… were you already… you know?”

“In love with you?” Changkyun nods, insecure, and Kihyun mirrors his action, so secure “Yeah, I wouldn’t have accepted in the first place otherwise.”

Changkyun sighs again, agonizingly loud, his eyes moving to every little tree around Kihyun but not staring at him directly, but Kihyun didn’t take his eyes away of the younger, taking every single feature of the younger, every change of expression, how the boy was thinking hard about what Kihyun just said, and he’s memorizing, saving in his mind every part of his face as if this is the last time he’ll see him.

“Hyung...”

His honorific sounds so frail in Changkyun’s shaky voice, so shy but still so loud in Kihyun’s ears, his eyes meeting one more time that night and even if the younger hasn’t muttered another word Kihyun can see it, the _regret_ , the _agony_ , how much this is hurting the younger as well as it is hurting him, so when the younger mutters a weak “Can’t” Kihyun doesn’t need to ask for further explanations, he understands what the younger means.

And it’s in that exact instant that the elder man can feel something inside of him breaking in miles of pieces, his stomach twitches in the most painful possible way, his heart constricting in his chest as if his cage is pressing it in the most excruciating way, squeezing, pulling and breaking, or that’s the most metaphorical way he can explain with words how the rejection feels, but if he’s honest, the pain he feels is simply indescribable, the pain of having the little hope you were clinging breaking until the only thing left it’s the reality.

And maybe it’s the sorrow that show in his face or the tears peeking in his eyes, but Changkyun releases the hold he has in his face to wrap his arms around the elder man’s waist, saying over and over again “I’m sorry” and that simply hurts more, because the person he loves is sad, feels guilty, hates himself, regret their past together, and that’s all his fault.

Kihyun wants to give up, encircle the younger man’s body, hide his face in the crook of his neck and cry until his eyes burn, allow him to hold him while he let all his frustrations go, but he can’t. Kihyun takes a long breath, trying to calm his aching heart as well as constraining the tears wanting to make their way down his face. With a bit of difficulty he lets go the warmth enveloping him, finally taking a step away of the younger man. Changkyun doesn’t take his hands away, Kihyun doesn’t ask him to do it either, so while still a bit apart, Changkyun keeps Kihyun’s waist circled with his arms.

“What are you sorry for?” After a few awkward seconds, Kihyun asks.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

His words are sincere, the lock the younger has around his waist is strong, as if he’s scared of let him go and even through the pain, Kihyun can sense it, how much he actually means for the younger man and that draws a gentle smile in his face.

“I knew what I was getting into when I kissed you back that night Changkyun. I knew what you wanted when you asked me to sleep together, you were straightforward and clear from the very beginning, you put your conditions and I accepted it, you did nothing wrong.”

“I hurt you, I’ll never--”

Kihyun shushes him successfully stopping whatever he wanted to say, his shaking hands hold his shoulders while he approaches the younger man, needing to let him go but still wanting to keep him closer, and Changkyun doesn’t move away, awaiting, expectantly, and when his lips touched his own, Changkyun doesn’t pull away. It’s simple, just lips touching, a sweet pace without rushing, no lust involved but too much feelings in the middle. One-side feelings. A last kiss.

Changkyun keeps his hands locked in Kihyun’s hips and the latter makes no movement to pull him away, their foreheads against each other, their eyes closed, their breaths mixing, a silence both understood, too frail to break it, too scared to say something, Changkyun accepted it, Kihyun feared it, a goodbye.

“Can I ask you for something?”

“Anything.”

Finally he pushes Changkyun away gently, getting again a prudential space between them. His hands ache for touching him again, he wants to kiss him again, wants to hold him, take him home, forget everything and keep the life they had until now, he doesn’t mind if Changkyun doesn’t love him back, it doesn’t matter if Changkyun loves someone else, he can live like that, but deep inside he knows it’s all a lie, he can’t keep hurting himself.

“Time, space.”

It’s obvious for the way Changkyun’s face shift for a millisecond how much he dislike the idea but he nods, understanding, as if he was expecting that request but still trying to prolong it, so Kihyun would not actually say it.

“I… understand. I won’t bother you Hyung, until you tell me it’s okay to come close to you.”

“Thank you, Kyun.”

Kihyun doesn’t waste another second, picking the stuff he used for the photo shoot and throwing them all in the bag. Changkyun stares but doesn’t move, doesn’t ask, doesn’t offer help, doesn’t talk until Kihyun bids him goodbye from afar. It’s rushed how he picks up his stuff, it’s obvious how much he wanted to run away from him as fast as possible, and Changkyun doesn’t comment of it, doesn’t bid him goodbye back but before Kihyun could get far enough he hears Changkyun saying “I’ll miss you” and that absolutely breaks him.

****

**

*

Thankfully the day is already over and only darkness envelopes Kihyun’s frame, still the brown haired man keeps his head low so people won’t notice his puffy eyes. Streets are full of light, of life, the moonlight is shining for those people chatting and laughing around him, some couples pass by, their undying love so obvious in their eyes, some girls clinging onto their boyfriends while chuckling in an cringingly - kinda annoying- way, which, if Kihyun’s honest, feels like a hard slap in the face, in a way the whole universe conspired against him to mocking his suffering, but he knows so well that’s not true.

Kihyun walks fast through the long wave of people, never looking up even when he bumped some people in his way, not even when they rudely ask him to look where he’s going, or some girls complaining how bad-mannered he is for not apologizing, Kihyun doesn’t care, he just wants to go home and maybe sleep the heartbreak away.

A few tears make their way down his face, but Kihyun quickly wipes them away, his hands are shaking, his eyes feels like burning, his throat closed with a knot he can’t swallow and his chest feels hallow, aching, his heart crying what his eyes are trying not to.

It hurts, it really really hurts.

But he still loves Changkyun, he really really loves him.

His legs feel like jelly walking all the way back home, maybe he started running at some point, he’s not sure, the only thing in his mind is his little apartment and Changkyun.

Changkyun, Changkyun, Changkyun.

Changkyun’s face.

Changkyun’s arms holding him.

Changkyun’s _‘Can’t’_

Changkyun’s sadness.

Changkyun’s apologizes.

Changkyun’s last kiss.

Changkyun’s _‘I’ll miss you’_

He doesn’t remember getting into the building, or even finding the keys, but as soon as the door is locked, Kihyun lets it go, a heavy sigh breaking through the walls and then a loud cry rips out of his throat, tears fall down his face as a waterfall.

He doesn’t have enough strength in his body to drag himself into his bedroom, his legs failing him until his back is against the door, and sliding down to the floor, Kihyun sits, hiding his face in his knees, and cry as he has never cried before.

His apartment is so big, and dark, and lacking of life. He’s so lonely, without someone to share this pain, no one he wants to talk to, and he misses Changkyun, he’ll miss him so much too.

~*~

Life became a roller coaster after _that_.

The first day he didn’t want to do anything, so he didn’t. The second day he started cleaning compulsively his apartment. The third day Yoongi came to check him out. The fourth day he cried until sleep in Yoongi’s arms. Eventually he got back to college, presented his project, aced his project, meet his friends, burmped on Changkyun, greet him like a normal human being and go back to square one: crying until sleep.

Days turned to weeks, two weeks to be exact and even if he’s not okay, he can at least say he’s doing better.

He misses Changkyun terribly.

He still loves Changkyun crazily.

He feels so empty without Changkyun.

Countless times he has wanted to call the younger man, maybe just knock on his door and invite him to watch a movie together, or simply go greet him one day and ask him how is he, what is he doing, but he just doesn’t find the guts to do so.

_“What if Changkyun hates me now?”_

_“What if Changkyun doesn’t want to see me?”_

_“What if I burdened Changkyun with my feelings?”_

_“What if Changkyun is better without me?”_

A new upsurge of pain hits him only thinking about it, insecurities overlap his wishes of approaching the younger man. He can accept the rejection, someday he’ll be able get over it, fall out of love, find someone else. He can accept _that_ kiss will be their last one, those hugs won’t be the same again, those cuddles won’t happen anymore. He can accept friendship over nothing, he doesn’t want to be only a memory to Changkyun.

Kihyun has gotten into the conclusion it’s not the rejection what hurt him the most, right now or that night, but the possibility of never seeing the younger man again. Lose him permanently, that scares Kihyun deeply.

 _“Call him.”_ Has said Jungkook one movie night after listening Kihyun rant half an hour about Changkyun, it’s not necessary to mention he wasn’t paying attention to the movie in the first place.

 _“I can’t.”_ Has replied Kihyun almost immediately, didn’t explain anything else to his youngest friend. But Jungkook understood, he didn’t ask, and let Kihyun use him as teddy bear for the night.

He really can’t, because he’s a coward, if Changkyun hates him, what would he do?

 _“He doesn’t hate you.”_ Has said Jimin, with that sweet angelic voice that makes him feel secure.

“Why wouldn’t he?” Has asked Kihyun, uncertain, insecure, afraid of the answer Jimin could tell him.

“Because he adores you.”

He knows, deep deep deep inside Kihyun knows he’s _somewhat_ important to Changkyun. For so many months Changkyun has found peace and security in Kihyun. His home became Changkyun’s home, his arms became Changkyun’s protection, his hugs became his comforter, their time together became his treasure.

 _“He misses you.”_ Has said Yoongi, tired, annoyed, but so secure.

_“How do you know?”_

_“Because he told me.”_

Then, why? Why Changkyun doesn’t approach him? Why he doesn’t call? Why he doesn’t knock on the door anymore? Why he doesn’t try to talk with Kihyun? Why he doesn’t ask if he’s okay? Why he’s not right here right now? Why did he give up? Kihyun has thought angrily, but the answer he knows it so well.

Because Kihyun asked him not to.

At the end, he’s a coward and a selfish bastard, wanting Changkyun to come to him even if he was the one asking him for _“time and space”._

Or maybe he’s not a coward or a selfish bastard, maybe he doesn’t ask him to meet again only because he knows he’s not ready yet, ready to move on, ready to let go those feelings. Because deep deep deep inside he still wants Changkyun to love him back, he still wants Changkyun to give him a chance, he wants Changkyun to kiss him and this time the feelings put in that kiss won’t be one-sided.

And he’s too scared to face reality and realize that won’t happen.

An idiot, that’s what he is, a big big big idiot.

****

**

*

Another week flied back in a blink, between exams and crazy projects his other photography professors came at last minute, Kihyun finally couldn’t see the hour to relax at home. Hours felt like days, days felt like weeks, so when mid-terms were over and Kihyun can finally relax at home, he doesn’t waste time throwing his body face-down into his bed.

He’s not physically exhausted yet his body feels heavy, after studying for hours those weeks, his mind is almost in a lethargic state, he can feel his eyes closing feeling the softness of the mattress against his body, the room cold because of the air-con, and the profound silence lulls him too sleep.

Kihyun can feel himself walking into the dreamworld, already savoring the sweet taste of a good, well-deserved rest, his eyelids so heavy that he can’t open his eyes anymore, so close to fall asleep… until a loud knock comes from the front door.

Cursing between teeth Kihyun considers ignore it, turning around and using the pillow to cover his head, trying to block the sound and failing in doing so, and finally sighing in happiness when the culprit behind that disturbance gave up after the third failed attempt and the annoying sound stopped. He was again trying to get back to the comfort previously lost until the loud personalized ringtone of his best friend interrupt the calmness of the room.

Again, Kihyun considers to ignore him, but knowing his best friend as he back of his hand, Yoongi won’t stop until Kihyun picks up or breaks the door in defect. So reluctantly the brown haired man leaves the comfort of his bed and picks the phone.

 _“Open the fucking door Yoo Kihyun!”_ It’s the only thing heard from the phone before a ‘beep beep beep’ signaled him Yoongi already hanged up.

 _‘This ass’_ Kihyun thinks bitterly, while walking to the front door, in his mind planning all the stuff he’d say to the mint haired man when he finally has him in front, how he’ll vent all his anger to the lethargic boy and probably get frustrated at Yoongi’s lack of interest while he walks into the dorm as if he still lives there. Kihyun doesn’t even worry in checking his appearance before opening the door in an angry movement, so damn ready for this confrontation.

Then the words get stuck in his throat as he stares at the man in front of him. His fluffy black hair mirroring Kihyun’s messy one, his eyes hidden behind those stupid but still incredibly adorable Harry Potter glasses, his slim frame covered by a black oversized black hoodie and a sweatpants completing the look.

Or that’s what Kihyun caught in the few seconds he stared at the younger man, his hand instinctively slammed the door closed once he registered the one standing in front of him wasn’t Yoongi but the one and only Im Changkyun.

_‘Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here, Changkyun’s here….”_

His mind gets stuck in an interminable loop, the phrase repeating in his mind over and over again while stared at the door dumbfoundly, no believing what his eyes just saw. As he mind tries to process what happened, his body starts reacting against his will, his heart increasing its pace, his lungs rejecting the breath he’s trying to take, his hands shaking uncontrollably, his mouth wanting to scream but he still manages to hold it back.

_‘Why is Changkyun here?’_

Kihyun tries to think and understand the situation before doing something he’ll regret later. Yell at Changkyun to leave him alone or throwing himself at his arms as he’s itching to do. Changkyun was at the other side, only few meters away of him, Changkyun knocked at his door, Changkyun was waiting for Kihyun to open it, Changkyun tried to say something, but all Kihyun could catch was a nervous ‘Hyung’ before the loud sound of the wooden closing covered the deep voice. And maybe he’s getting delusional, the exhaustion added to the shock of seeing the younger that day makes him seeing ghosts where there’s none, but Kihyun could pinpoint the happiness in his eyes the moment Kihyun was in his sightline, immediately clouded by an immense sadness when he slammed the door closed.

His hands shakes while he approaches the doorknob again, this time hesitantly, slowly, thinking over and over again if he’s really ready to face the younger man, but the desire of confirming his suspicions are stronger than the fear he definitively feels.

_Did Changkyun leave or he waited for Kihyun?_

_Was Changkyun really happy to see it or it was all his imagination?_

_Did Changkyun… miss…. him?_

Kihyun takes a loud breath to calm his nerves before slowly opening the door to reveal the younger man still standing right there with those kicked puppy eyes Kihyun has fallen in love long time ago.

_“Hyung, sorry for bothering you…”_

_“S-sorry I- I panicked…”_

They say at the same time and Changkyun smiles at this, widely and sweetly, his face brightening immediately when he hears Kihyun’s stutters, his very obvious lisp and the nervousness laced in his words “I noticed.”

Few seconds passed, they stared at each other nervously, any of them knowing what to say to break the silence between them. Changkyun stares up and down, Kihyun notices the worry in his face, and his loud relieved sigh when their eyes meet again.

“How are you feeling Hyung?”

The younger man finally asks tentatively, and Kihyun only wants to roll his eyes at the question. He’s perfectly fine, his health is perfect, his body is doing fine, he’s exhausted and Changkyun just interrupted his sleep time, but it’s okay, he’s just a bit tired, the only thing that’s not okay in Kihyun it’s his broken heart and how much it hurts in daily time, and definitively Changkyun is the less appropriated person to ask for it.

“ _Peachy_.”

“No, I mean… Yoongi Hyung called saying you were terribly sick and needed me to deliver medicine and other stuff to you…” Changkyun shows him the huge bag he was carrying, one Kihyun didn’t notice until that moment, it looks heavy, Kihyun thinks “… I didn’t know what you needed, but I got a little of everything?”

_‘Yoongi, that bastard.’_

“You went to the drugstore looking like that…” Kihyun points at the obvious failed attempt of fixing his pajamas into something more appropriated for a walk and his hair very very very messy pointing at everywhere “and didn’t think on checking on me, you know, your _neighbor_ , before expending a huge amount of money in stuff I don’t need?”

“Ugh Hyung, _if you say it like that_ …”

“You’re dumb.”

His heart does that annoying flip flop into his chest when Changkyun’s mouth turns into a sweet smile, even more when he chuckles warmly saying “You’re right, I am very dumb.” With a tone so sweet that the fondness is very obvious for the both of them, Changkyun doesn’t even try to hide it and that makes his heart do indescribable things inside its cage.

_‘Friends, Kihyun, just friends, he doesn’t like you like that.’_

“W-well, I should keep going…” Changkyun says in a hurry after long seconds of just staring at each other, a nervous tone Kihyun isn’t used to hear coming from Changkyun’s mouth, the atmosphere was awkward while they just stand in front of the other without knowing what to say, and Kihyun’s chest constrict seeing the younger turning around from him and he panics, holding the back of his black hoddie before he can walk away.

“Do you… want to… watch a movie or something… with me?” Kihyun finally asks, noticing how the previous worry Changkyun held in his features turned immediately in pure bliss as Kihyun recited the exact same question Changkyun said the first time they talked.

Kihyun’s heart hurts in a good way seeing how his eyes sparkle at the mention of a little time together, Changkyun looked like a little kid after Christmas day as he nods contentedly.

Watching Changkyun enter the apartment and walking around it feels so right, as if this is the place where he should always be. It feels like if his apartment is finally a home again. Previously the place felt empty, lonely, grey, even when his friends came to visit, it didn’t feel right anymore, but with Changkyun here Kihyun finally can breathe again. The younger doesn’t know the kind of effect he holds over Kihyun.

“What do you wanna watch Hyung?” Changkyun asks while he makes himself comfortable in his couch, the thick blanket Kihyun keeps for their regular cuddling nights already in the younger’s shoulders while he awaits for Kihyun to go there and join him.

Kihyun makes a fast stop in the kitchen to pick a few snacks and walks back to the living room. Changkyun’s arms welcome him immediately and Kihyun can’t help but sighs contently while he wraps his own around Changkyun’s torso, his face instinctively hides in the crock of his neck while Changkyun strokes his hair. It feels so good. 

“Yoongi lied you know? I’m perfectly fine.”

“I noticed.” Changkyun snorts a laugh at the comment, as if he doesn’t mind he was played by the snappy man at all “But I’m glad you’re fine Hyung, I was really worried.”

“You… were?”

“Obviously, I almost forgot my wallet until Jooheon screamed at me you know?”

“Fool.”

“I was worried for _you_ , remember that next time you wanna call me names.” Changkyun says with a little pout, one that Kihyun secretly wants to kiss away, but he restrains himself, squeezing his frame while simply chuckling at his childish act.

“Sorry he makes you lose your time.”

“I don’t think it was a loss of time though.” The black haired says while his left hand settles in Kihyun’s hips, squeezing then pulling closer to his body “Wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“I missed you.”

“Kyunnie…” Kihyun’s feels his heart skipping a million beats, but other than his nickname, the elder boy seems he has forgotten how to talk, or think, or breathe for that matter. Changkyun doesn’t seem to mind the silence coming from Kihyun as he uses his other hand to brush his hair in a tender way. Too affectionately may Kihyun add.

“Actually Hyung… I wanted to talk with you.”

“If it’s about that night, I don’t want to.” Kihyun finally lets him go, straightening his back to get ready to walk away if it was necessary. Kihyun’s stomach feels weird as Changkyun recited those words, a sixth sense telling him whatever the younger wanted to say, he won’t like it at all.

“No it’s not about _that_ , I wanted to tell you stuff about me?” Changkyun says with an uncertain tone, holding Kihyun’s hand in case he needed to pull him back into the couch, the younger knows him so well “I realized we don’t know a lot of stuff of each other, like, do you even know what my favorite color is?”

“Blue.”

Changkyun’s twist of face actually makes him chuckle, surprised but proud at the same time. It’s cute really.

“What about my favorite food?”

“You love _all_ the food, but specially the one I made for you.” Kihyun smirks when Changkyun tries to deny it, opening and closing his mouth like a fish, but gives up nodding because yes, Changkyun isn’t really pick, but home-made food is definitively his favorite, ESPECIALLY if it’s Kihyun cooking “But if you want me to specify, meat, you love meat _too_ much, you _carnivore_.”

Changkyun can’t object that either, gotcha.

“Favorite music?”

“Hip-hip, R&B, your favorite Singer is Elhae.”

“Favorite…”

“Face it kid, I know you as the back of my hand.”

“You c-can’t… you can’t call me a _kid_ when I have eaten your a---”

Kihyun immediately slaps his hand against Changkyun’s mouth before he could complete that embarrassing, very revelatory sentence, feeling all the blood rushing through his body, setting in his cheeks to tint them in a bright shade of red. The little _shit_ laugh it off and takes the hand covering his lips with a devilish smirk Kihyun doesn’t really appreciate right now, and intertwines their fingers. The playful smirk immediately drifts away as his features turn serious again, his dark brown eyes meeting Kihyun’s nervous own.

“Okay, I wanted to talk to you about that night, wanted to tell you my reasons, wanted to explain my side of the story, and I wanted to _approach_ it differently, more tacticly but you just _couldn’t_ play it along with me.”

Changkyun huffs annoyed, even pouting in his most adorable way, and if it’s not because of the knot forming in his esophagus, he would’ve cooed at him loudly.

“Kyun, I really don’t wanna talk about it. You don’t like me back, I got it okay? please, don’t rub more salt in the wound.”

Kihyun tries to get up, run away, hide in his room, or the bathroom that is closer, but a second he’s taking one step far from Changkyun and at the other he’s sitting across Changkyun’s lap, the younger man’s arm locking every attempt he has to escape, a strong grip around his waist Kihyun can’t break.

“Can you _please_ listen to me Hyung?”

“N-no.”

“Just five minutes...”

“No!!”

“Please...”

“No!!”

“Pl--”

“NO!”

“I’m gonna kiss you if you don’t stop fighting!”

“Are you threating me with a _Kiss_ Im Changkyun?! How old do you think I am? Five?”

“You’re behaving worse than a 5 years old kid, if I can say it.”

“How _dare_ you? I am still your Hyung, now move and _let me go!_ ”

“I won’t ever let you go again!”

Kihyun stops fighting, frozen by the words Changkyun spitted a second ago. It’s not the phrase, it’s not how his heart picks a fast speed at them all over again or how hopeful it made him feel. It’s the pain laced with every word he muttered, it’s the fear hidden in his tone tied with the palpable desperation in his eyes, it’s Changkyun using his noddle arms to hold Kihyun with the little strength he has. It’s Changkyun who has never raised his voice before, never had reasons to do it, but now, with Kihyun gazing at his face, he could finally see the pain painted on him. Kihyun has never seen him like this before.

Guilt… too much guilt.

“O-Okay.”

Changkyun sighs in relief, the strong painful hold relaxes immediately, now just hugging Kihyun while hiding face in the elder’s neck. Kihyun feels how Changkyun’s nose rubs against the sensitive zone and he can’t stop a little whimper when Changkyun mutters a “Thank you” so close that he can feel his breath hitting the skin. 

“What do you want to tell me? If it’s something bad and you make me cry again… I’m gonna _make you_ cry with me, do you understand _little shit?”_

Kihyun’s heart flutters feeling Changkyun’s chuckling, even though he tried to stop it and hide it when he couldn’t contain it anymore. Once he calms down, the hand holding him travels under his pajama shirt, drawing small patrons in his naked skin, comforting.

“I won’t make you cry ever again, Hyung.”

The black haired says so sure, his smile so pure and optimistic that Kihyun can’t say something back, because it will go with the lines “You can’t promise that” or “I will cry anyways” or “I love you and you don’t love me back and that’s enough for me to cry at nights” so he just closes his mouth, preferring no comment about it before wiping away Changkyun’s smile.

“Should I start from the beginning?” Kihyun hums finally letting his guard down. Changkyun never asked him to move away so he gets comfortable between the younger’s arms, making himself so small that he can fix perfectly there, his head resting in the younger man’s shoulder while his hands holds his shirt with his little fists. Kihyun doesn’t comment when Changkyun’s lips positions above the tip of his little nose and pecks it or how his heart stopped beating for a millisecond.

“Okay… well, my name is Im Changkyun I was born…”

“ _Changkyun_.”

“Okay okay, don’t get mad at me.” Changkyun says with a chuckle, then continues talking once the atmosphere wasn’t as gloomy “My love life is a mess you know? I think you have realized that already. But it was worse when I started harboring romantic feelings for someone I shouldn’t feel something more than friendship. I was thirteen when I realized maybe I wasn’t like my friends and I was attracted to men too. Just one man actually and he was my best friend. But I couldn’t help it, he was so beautiful, so bright but so unreachable for me…”

Kihyun feels a green awful feeling building in his stomach, a feeling he shouldn’t be feeling now that Changkyun was having a heart-to-heart conversation with him. So he breathes and tries to wipe that awful jealousy away.

“… So I kept it for myself. I found girls and guys to fool around while my heart was longing for someone else, he is the only person I’ve ever loved in my life, the only person I ever wanted to date but he looked at me like only a kid he could spoil and cuddle whenever he wanted to.”

“You’re a kid though.”

“Hyung shut up.” Changkyun glares at the man sitting above him, but Kihyun just giggles, a way to hide his jealousy “When I moved here, I thought I’d have a chance. I was already nineteen, I styled my hair, tried to dress better, got three piercings and two tattoos, but when I wanted to confess he was happily in a relationship already, it was… heartbreaking for me.”

“Oh Kyunnie…”

“Remember the night I came here and asked you to watch a movie with me? It was the night Minhyuk introduced Hyungwon to me. They were a match made in heaven if I can say it myself. Minhyuk’s bright and cheerful, while Hyungwon is calm and nice. And even if I tried to hate him, I couldn’t, especially when I saw how Minhyuk’s eyes sparked looking at him. It hurt me, but I tried to be a good friend for him even if I was hurting inside.”

“You love him, it’s normal it hurt you.”

“The first night we had sex, remember that? You asked me why I did it, and I said it was because you were the opposite of him? I thought you were. Those times I saw you between hallways with a camera around your neck and books in your arms, your cold stares and terrifying glares, how tiny –- Don’t glare at me – how tiny and delicate you looked but walked with a confidence I admired too much… for me you were a cool Hyung, cold, smart and so fucking _hot,_ damn Hyung I thought all the things you’d do to me in bed…”

“ _Changkyun-ah.”_

“Sorry.” The younger giggles embarrassed, but continues his story “But I was wrong, you’re exactly like him.”

“I don’t really appreciate the comparison, Changkyun.”

“I never tried to. I mean you weren’t that cold person I thought you were. You’re warm, you’re cute, and you’re nice to be with. The first time I came here I asked you to watch a movie, you didn’t even know me and still opened the door for me, borrowed me a thick blanket and gave me your company until I felt better. You gave me a place to run away when it was too much for me to handle, I didn’t realize when I stopped coming here because I needed a place to hide and started coming here because I wanted your company.”

“Kyunnie…”

“I’ve had plenty of friends with benefits before you know? One night stands, drunk fucks, I don’t even know how many people I slept with in the past. But I don’t know when I stopped looking for comfort in anyone’s arms and started wanting only the comfort you can provide.”

“Oh my god, I can’t hear this anymore.”

Kihyun tries to cover his ears but Changkyun doesn’t let him, holding his hands with pleading eyes, so the elder swallow his embarrassment and focuses back in the younger’s boy voice.

“You’re a caring person, so nice, so beautiful, you shine so brightly by your own for the people around you, your smile is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen, I really liked you like a friend.”

_“A friend.”_

“The night you confessed… I didn’t know how to react.”

This is exactly the part of the conversation Kihyun wanted to avoid, but as Changkyun pleaded, he didn’t move away, but he can already feel his heart hurting.

“Many people has confessed to me before, and it was easy for me to reject them. as heartless as may sound right now, I didn’t even care about those people’s feelings because the only person I wanted was Minhyuk. I haven’t dated anyone and haven’t planned date anyone but him…”

Kihyun knew it, but still hurts like a bitch.

“But with you… it _hurts_ _me_. It hurts me to know I hurt _you_. The single thought of you being in pain destroyed me. See you walk away from me… damn Hyung it’s the hardest thing of my life. I wanted to hold you like I did today, I wanted to talk to you, I wanted you to forgive me, I wanted you to be the same with me. I was scared to let you go because I didn’t know if you’d ever want me back, if I’d ever see you again… do you know how physically and emotionally painful was for me stay away from you?”

“Aww Kyunnie…”

“Shh or I’m going to die of embarrassment…” Kihyun chuckles seeing his little fuckboy getting all frustrated and blushy for him.

“Aww.”

“That day I went back home, I ignored my roommate’s for the rest of the night, he questioned me a lot what’s wrong with me, even called my other friends. I didn’t realize I was crying until they pointed to me.”

“You… _cried_?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know why my chest was hurting too much, or why I couldn’t stop crying as I stared at the wall for the rest of the night. I just thought about you, about your caring smile and your sweet voice, then I thought about how you were feeling, if this was as painful for you as it was for me… then I realized it was even worse because you were in love with me…”

“Kyunnie…”

“And I thought and thought for whole days, it was because you were my friend? But I had plenty of dear friends confessing to me in the past and it didn’t hurt like this before, just a bit of guilt knotted in my stomach but that is. But this time it’s not a little feeling in the stomach, it was like needles were pinching me from inside, hurting me, destroying me, I wanted to see you but I knew I couldn’t.”

“Minhyuk came inside my room the third day demanding answers.” This time Changkyun chuckles apparently remembering that day while shocking his head in disbelief, Kihyun just stares no commenting “I confessed to him that day.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, and he just thanked me. He, fucking, thanked, me. I was ready for a rejection to be honest, he obviously couldn’t reciprocate my feelings, but his reasons were what surprised me the most.” Changkyun says with a little frown “ _’Because those feelings you had for me already disappeared, I’m not the person you’re in love with_ ’ that’s what he said.”

Kihyun’s confused and does nothing to hide it. 

“He kinda snapped and called me an idiot when I said I didn’t understand. He said I should step up the game before I lose you… and the mention of l-losing y-you deeply scared me. That night I realized I’ve never been so scared of lose someone, as I am of losing you.”

“Ow Kyunnie, but you won’t lose me, I just needed time and space to get over you.”

“Exactly, and that’s what I did not want. As selfish as I might sound.”

“You’re selfish and a _jerk_.”

“I’m well aware.” Kihyun looks up at him with a glare, one that disappeared immediately Changkyun pecked his nose again “Then I thought and thought again. Why wouldn’t I want you to get over me if it was the best? If that happened you and I could be friends again, only friends obviously, but then I felt a pinch in my stomach… I don’t wanna be just friends with you.”

“Changkyun what the fuck.”

“Listen until the end, you big ass.” Kihyun hits his chest and despite the younger complaining about the strength he used, he says nothing and just hold Kihyun’s hand to prevent another punch “But why would we be then? Friends with benefits again? I didn’t want that either. I could be friends with you and find someone else to fuck… then realization comes into my mind, I don’t want to have sex with someone else but _you_.”

Kihyun’s speechless, he doesn’t know what to say or how to react because somewhere between lines he can sense a confession.

“Then I thought and thought again…and again… and again. Why does it hurt too much? Why everything is so different with you? Why my body craves for you? Why my mind is so full of you? Why I needed so desperately to see you? Check on you? Why did I cry myself to sleep all those night? Why do I miss you as soon as you’re not with me? Why I don’t want you to get over me? Why I want you with me, but I don’t want to be your friend?”

“Changkyun, can you… be… a little more… clear?”

“Hyung I can’t tell you I’m in love with you, because I don’t think I am yet, but I can’t say either I just like you, I just know I feel strongly for you, in a way I’ve never felt before for anyone.”

“You… _what_?”

“I like you Hyung. But it’s not simply like-like, I like you so fucking much. Like, so so so so much.”

“Like… me? As a friend?”

“No, you big dumbass. I like you enough that I want to date the shit out of you forever? Does it sound right?”

No, it doesn’t sound right but it does feel right.

“This is the weirdest confession I’ve received so far.” Kihyun laughs, somewhere all the pain he felt once already disappeared and just left behind a beautiful hope, that’s the kind of effect Changkyun’s words have over him, but he just… “It’s hard for me to believe you, you’re aware right?”

Changkyun sighs, squeezing his hips as signaling him he understands “Just trust me this time Hyung, trust me with your heart this time, I won’t break it again.”

Kihyun cringes, groaning so hard as he tries to get up of Changkyun’s lap only because he can feel the embarrassment burning the skin of his cheeks, but the arm around his hips pull him back almost immediately, Changkyun won’t let him go for real “This is so cheesy, I can’t listen anymore!!!”

“Hyung, as much I would love to tease you and give you millions of reasons to cringe…” Changkyun smirks devilishly but wipe the teasing smirk almost immediately “I mean what I said, I wanna go to dates with you and try to know you better, know more about your childhood memories, and I wanna meet your friends and I want you to meet mine, I wanna come visit you whenever I want… More than I already do… and I don’t know Hyung, I just wanna be with you.”

“Kyunnie…”

“If you want to of course, you don’t need to…”

Kihyun looks at him appraisingly, and smiles. His little hands move slowly to cup Changkyun’s adorable cheeks in between and the younger stops talking, just stares at Kihyun’s eyes with round eyes that looked even bigger with the glasses he’s wearing, the elder coos at him while he takes Changkyun glasses away, their foreheads joined together as Kihyun talks “You sure? It’s just me.”

“There’s nothing like ‘Just you’ Hyung. You are you, and you’re the person I want.” Changkyun’s lips on him are soft, too gentle as he closed the distance to peck his lips but parting ways before Kihyun can kiss back “Sorry for being dumb and hurt you.”

Kihyun closes the gap this time, no giving time for the younger to say something more, he doesn’t want to know anything anymore, forgetting everything in order of savor the lips he has been craving for so long. The pain he felt, the angst, the fear, the hands he felt around his heart pulling, pushing and squeezing, all disappeared as Changkyun’s soft lips mold perfectly with his.

Kihyun pulls away after some minutes, wanting to keep kissing his beloved one’s lips but needing air to properly breathe and opens his eyes to look at him with hooded eyes. Changkyun smiles at him before pecking his forehead, sweet, cute, too good to be true “Wanna try this with me Hyung?”

“Do you?”

Changkyun tightens his hold around the elder “I’ve never wanted something as much as I want to be with you.”

“So do I.”

Changkyun doesn’t waste another second before claiming Kihyun’s perfect lips, first pecking lovingly the corner of his mouth before licking his lower lip, silently asking for entry, one Kihyun gladly gives, parting his lips to welcome Changkyun’s tongue, Kihyun’s hands finds their way to the younger’s hair, intertwining his little and chubby fingers through Changkyun’s black strands of hair to pulls him closer, demanding, needy, and steadily losing all his sense to enjoy this moment with him.

Kihyun clings even more to the younger man’s shoulders when said Changkyun’s noddle arms holds the back of his kneels, standing up with Kihyun’s in his arms, carrying him bridal style through the little apartment “Put me down, you big boob.”

“Yep, here it is the Hyung I adore so much.”

Changkyun laughs teasingly, but doesn’t complain Kihyun’s demands, doing the best to open the bedroom door without letting him fall and laying him in the mattress. Too delicate as if he’s scared Kihyun would break. Changkyun climbs in the bed with him, lying by his side while his arms pull the elder man to rest in his arms immediately going around his hips to pull him in his chest.

“You look tired Hyung.”

“But I-I thought…”

“We have a lot of time to do _stuff.._ ” Changkyun wiggles his eyebrow in a mocking manner, and, in other circumstance the elder would’ve hit him for being so dumb but right now he’s happy and so in-love and nothing that idiot can do will get him in bad mood “But right now I just wanna be with you, talk to you, know more about you, cuddle you.”

“You are… a cute boyfriend, I almost can’t believe it.” Kihyun says hiding his face once again in the crook of Changkyun’s neck, feeling the warmness of his body and the sweet scent hitting his senses.

“This is my first relationship, don’t expect much of me but I’ll try my best…” Kihyun wants to be cheesy, and cute and tell him whatever expectation he has, Changkyun already surpassed it, but bites his lips, he knows if he gets too cheesy Changkyun won’t doubt in throwing him out of the bed, they have a lot of time to be cute boyfriends from now “So tell me… What did you do these past 3 weeks?”

“Miss you.”

They’re not perfect, far from it actually, they have to work extra hard to build a strong relationship and there will be moments where they’re going to fight, go to sleep angry at each other, maybe even break up and make up, Kihyun knows he has a lot of defects, and he knows Changkyun does too, and they’ll learn about each other, will be parts the other won’t like, and they have to go through a lot of hardships.

But as Kihyun sees Changkyun blushing while repeating the same words Kihyun just said against his lips, the way Changkyun’s eyes are an open window to show all the affection the younger actually feels for him, Kihyun can say they’re going to be okay.

And Changkyun still doesn’t love him back yet but it’s okay because he’s getting there and Kihyun’s willing to wait if that means he has Changkyun by his side.

Because Kihyun is truly in love with this stupid, idiot, fool, pain in the ass Kid.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank your for read it 💜


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